


Planets Aligned

by Celestial_Sphere



Series: Constellations [2]
Category: Akatsuki no Yona | Yona of the Dawn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-06-02 17:37:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6576025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celestial_Sphere/pseuds/Celestial_Sphere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*Book 2 of 3 from the Constellations Triology*<br/>It's been a hard journey. For them. For me. But those obstacles don't stop, even when life starts to shine and the bleeding cries of our hearts seem to have finally quelled. Just like the calm before the storm, all of us understood that even with peace in Kouka there may never truly be peace for ourselves in this last lifetime together.</p><p>Set many years after Ming-Hua's parting with the Happy Hungry Bunch, we find ourselves in the aftermath of Yona reclaiming the throne and achieving some victory in Kouka. With Shin-ah's evident return to Awa, will the love that once connected them sustain itself now that they are both adults with separate lives in the country? Or is there something dark and foreboding about this pact a thousand years old that threatens to destroy them both if they choose to face the odds together as intended?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Happy to be back with the newest installment of this series. Hope everyone who has been waiting will enjoy this first chapter back and look forward to this fic as well. As always, thank you for reading. Please enjoy!

The world blurs around me in a swirl of different colors. It's hard to differentiate them as I lift myself again and focus all my energy on completing the routine running like clockwork across my mind, nor do I care. My arms feel the strain of gravity as my feet pick up off the ground, but I enjoy the breeze that sends the loose tendrils of my hair gliding over my shoulder or whipping against my face. The routine is as perfect as it's going to get the day before the festival. Everything will be fine. It has to be.  


If anyone had told me that this was the fate I ended up signing my life away to, I would have laughed. Or perhaps cried in indignant belief. There had been a lot of change over the years- some harder than others, some not worth occurring, and others that had been years in the making. The Ming-Hua I had once been didn't exist in the same way she had when I first stepped foot into Awa. And if anyone was surprised the most by it, it was me.  


It has taken time. All of this has. Had it not been for Ma and a few other valiant souls who had carried me on their backs when I literally gave up on moving a single inch in life, I doubt I would have come to this place of steady assurance. It was disgusting, remembering how weak I had been, how much I had blamed the world for making me powerless when I was the only one making myself out to be a victim after so much time. But with time had come space to clear my mind, soothe my soul, and revitalizing my bleeding heart to become a woman who took in her past with a grain of salt and the future with a heavy hand of reality.  


Five years have passed since I had last seen Shin-ah and the others. Word came from time to time of their journeys throughout the kingdom and beyond, but not once had they ever made a reappearance back into my life. I know Ma missed them as much as I did- she often brought up Jae-ha the first few years we spent together and I knew that while she called him an insolent brat who was too flirtatious for his own good that she loved him as much as she loved anyone else on this planet. We felt their pain when the times were so dark that we feared their deaths and leaped for joy the moments we heard of their triumphs and the changing era being brought to these lands once ripped apart by plague, starvation, and power-hungry factions.  


I saw that joy tenfold in the citizens of Awa over the years. These people who had once been shackled to human trafficking, deadly disease from trans-ocean fares, and inclement weather were beginning to feel the time of peace finally radiate over them as well. The once fervid prayers that came to the shrine had become less dire and less frantic with the masses as better control of the area began to take shape with a newly instated governor. We had all seen more than enough heartache in this lifetime. Now was the time to rebuild and revitalize.  


If anyone would have told me that I would have remained in this port city as long as I had alongside being a priestess, the old me would have scoffed in mocking disbelief. The girl who could barely help herself, giving aid and instruction to those in dire straits? Impossible.  


But here I was, practicing my routine for the main part in the festivities set to go on tomorrow night. As chief priestess of the shrine, it was my duty to channel the hopes, sorrows, and prayers our people wished for as the anniversary of Lady Yona ascending back to the throne came yet again. My dance embodied their journey and mine as well. There was more hope yet to be found on this earth. The darkness that once latched itself to every corner of this country was losing its foothold with each passing moment.  


I settle to my feet and try to catch my breath, but the task soon proves impossible as a set of slow claps echoes on the seaside cliff around me. The shrine maidens know not to disturb me with so much hanging on the balance for tomorrow's performance. Ma is far too busy helping the other citizens ready the town for the day long festival, and gods know that none of the sailors had the audacity to peep on me without getting chewed out by one of the others. My stomach drops into the pit of my stomach as the claps end and no other clues come to alert me as to who my mysterious visitor is.  


There's a muted rustle through the grass around me, and I jerk my foot back when a sudden warmth invades over my bare feet. It's hard to perform with shoes; after spending years of my life barefoot and on the verge of starvation, it seemed almost second nature to me even now. The feeling of the dirt beneath my feet steadied me. It reminded me from where I came and where I would return to once this life reached its end.  


But when the warmth releases a sudden chirp of delight, the world that once stood still around me begins to spin in slow loops across my eyes. That noise... I knew it as well as my own name. But no. How could it be? Ao?  


Sure enough, when I jerk my head down to look at the ground, a chubby squirrel is looking back at me. She has aged in the years- the coat once bright and soft had grown a little more coarse and faded- but those eyes are just as brightened by vivacity like they had been all those long years back. I can barely believe it is reality, but when she chirps again and sends her tail quivering about in excitement, I know the adrenaline racing through my veins has not conjured the creature out of thin air.  


I dip down to the ground and cup the plump squirrel in my hands, laughing between tears of joyful remembrance as the warm weight registers on my palms. She hoists herself to my shoulder after I press a kiss to her head, and my laughter only rings louder as her body presses itself into the side of my neck. Oh gods, how many nights had this little creature been my companion when I first set out on the roads with the others? How many laughs had she brought to us all? And the joy she brought to Shin-ah, heavens k-  


My heart stops.  


Oh stars.  


Shin-ah.  


If Ao was here, then-  


I roll my head back to take in the cliff, and my thoughts stop as a pair of golden eyes meet my own. The face is older, but oh gods, the bone-deep familiarity of it sends me weeping. The lean cheeks of early adulthood have now been broadened with age, giving the always masculine frame a steady visage to match up with. His hair is longer- I can see the beginning of a ponytail at the nape of his neck without having to squint. But it's him. Despite time, despite the regal outfit he's now clad in beneath the traveler's cloak sitting a little haphazardly over his muscular shoulders, it's Shin-ah.  


My hands reach to clutch into my tunic, and I'm suddenly self-conscious of myself. My practice outfit of a dingy skirt and old tunic from my sailing days aboard Ma's ship suddenly look even more tattered, and my hair- I reach my hands to frantically smooth against the locks that run all the way down my back- must have been tangled in every direction from completing my dance. He must think me a savage now. My cheeks burn in mortification. So much for a spectacular first meeting.  


But when his lips pull into a pleased smile that sends him chuckling, I find myself unable to breathe again. Shin-ah barely smiled, let alone laughed in the short span of time we had spent together. And to see him doing so now with such ease made me realize how well time has been to him in the span we'd been separated.  


He opens his arms to beckon me to him, but my feet are frozen in place. I can barely think, let alone move with ease. My limbs have become like lead. Any command I give to move them elicits no response, and for a moment I fear that they never will work again.  


The man lowers his hands as he walks forward. He's watching me- there's a question in his eyes allowing me time to tell him to stay away if I so wished it- but I can barely see as the tears begin again in joyful anticipation of his touch. He comes and holds me awkwardly at first, but the hug grows tender with each passing moment as he cradles me in his arms.  


My limbs finally seem to obey me once his warmth seeps over my own, and I'm hugging him so tightly the muscles in my arms are screaming in pain. The material of his tunic wads underneath my hands curled across his back, and the tangible feeling that this really is happening sends me sobbing uncontrollably into his chest. Five years. Over sixty months of separation have come before this long awaited day has finally occurred, and I never want to let go for the fear that another sixty will have to pass for it to ever happen again.  


There are so many things I want to tell him. So many stories, memories, and dreams that they all rush into one swarming mass of visions, feelings, and thoughts until I'm physically sick to my stomach. But as his scent hits my nostrils, the soothing smell calms my mind until I can do nothing but stand peacefully in this embrace I have prayed for almost every day since we have last seen each other.  


“This isn't a dream.” The shaky whisper sends my hot breath seeping under his tunic. “Oh gods, please let this not be a dream.”  


His arms tighten slightly against my body. “It isn't. I've come back. Like I promised you all those many moons ago.”  


Only a strangled sound of agreement passes through my wobbling lips. Oh praise the stars, the heavens, and all the gods. The selfish prayer I always offered had finally come to fruition. It was more than I ever hoped for- sometimes more than I knew than I deserved when so many others needed happiness much more than I did.  


I'm not sure how much time passes as we stand in this embrace long overdue, nor do I wish to keep track of the minutes steadily ticking away beneath my nose. There is far too much to think about, and doubly as much to do. All I wish is to forget the worries of the world and keep Shin-ah beside me forever.  


He lets go to hold my hands in both of his. It's a little jarring to have him so physical with me, but the years must have given him time to come to grips with himself. The silent, aloof man who once cowered behind a mask no longer existed in such a manner. He had found his strength to look towards the future. And I only hoped that future still included me in some form or fashion.  


“It's been so long.” His voice dips low in melancholy remembrance. “Too long. I'm sorry.”  


I shake my head. “No need to apologize. Not now. There is far too much I want to hear fall from your lips than that.”  


“Then tell me what you wish to know.” He squeezes my hands gently as he leads me to sit in the grass.  


I sit on the grass beside him and look into his face when he releases his hold on me. Those beautiful aurous irises are sweeping slowly over my face; I wonder if he can tell how the years have affected me. Do I look much older? Hardened like the stony cliff around us, or cold like a harsh winter wind? Whatever it is, I hope it still settled well on his mind.  


“Have you come on your own?”  


He shakes his head. “Jae-Ha accompanied me. He too wished to return to Awa and reunite with the people who have lingered on his heart after all this time.”  


“Ma will be so happy.” I mused with a content sigh. My eyes widen as I realize Shin-ah does not know who I'm talking about, and I quickly move to smooth over my mistake. “I-I mean Gi-gan. She's missed him very dearly since you all have left.”  


“And he's missed her too.” Shin-ah snorts. “Though he won't admit it aloud.”  


I smile. “Typical Jae-ha.” We share a laugh at his expense, knowing the man deserved a humored smile or chuckle at the way he always attempted to hide his true feelings from the world. “Anyway, how the others?” I fidget with my skirt. “Have you all lived to see this day?”  


“Everyone is alive and well in Hiriyuu Castle.” There's no mistaking the pride in his voice. “Yona and Hak are ruling this country with a steady hand. Yoon is currently chief herbalist for the entire castle, and my brothers are continuing to do their part to serve our queen as needed.”  


I clutch my hands over my heart. Everyone remains alive and well. Yet another prayer of mine has been answered. “Praise the heavens.”  


“And it seems you are alive and well too.” He lifts a hand to my cheek. I can barely suppress the pleasant shiver that threatens to travel down my spine from the tender touch. “So our prayers have been fruitful in return.”  


I smile at the dirt, so flustered by the relieved intonation his words held. I wonder if he worried on my behalf as much as I did on his. It feels wrong to ask.  


“Will you be staying long?” I know this question is one that needs to be asked. Perhaps Yona has only allowed them a short time to visit. My heart clenches; gods know that I would not be able to bear it if he would be whisked away from me anytime soon.  


He keeps his gaze on the sea beyond and offers a curt nod. “There is no rush to return on our behalf. You must not add any more burdens to your shoulders. It seems you have more than enough as it is.”  


I know he means my position as chief priestess and the upcoming festivities. Is he angry that I've taken such a role in this community? No. I can't help but think he's proud that I managed to find strength within myself to help others in the best capacity that I can.  


“Good.” I stand to my feet and give the sleeping Ao still curled on my shoulder a small scratch across the back. The squirrel gives a half-asleep chirp that sends my smile tugging at the sides of my face. “I am glad that we will have some much needed time together.”  


I walk the short distance to retrieve my staff. The wood is polished and smooth, though the years of holding it have left the wood worn in the familiar crevices my hands usually rest at. At the top is a metal orifice a blacksmith down in Awa smelted for this staff solely. Within the metal circle rests the crest of the county and the symbol for perseverance. With the priesthood revitalized under the queen's reign, it feels like a badge of honor for being chosen to do what my soul had done a thousand years ago.  


The bells that hang from just below the metal adornment tinkle in muted notations as Shin-ah keeps pace beside me. He is watching the path before us as I continue to take him in, so in awe that so much, yet so little has changed in the time we have been apart. The man I fell in love with is still there, though those attributes seemed to have been strengthened by the calm courage he now exudes. Perhaps the awkward compassion he offered was not there, but he still cared- still wished to protect me, if I was reading into this reunion correctly.  


His eyes slide to meet mine, and I hasten to avert them to the forest where Jinju Shrine is located. The name came through trial and error as we repaired the old, abandoned building a couple of years back; like the pearl it was named for, after long, tiring years of being put under strain, the pressure strengthened it into something beautiful. No one thought the place was worth anything but attracting bandits or loitering groups to have a safe shelter on the outer banks of the port, and the call to tear it down came not long afterward. I spoke to Gi-Gan about it, tears brimming my eyes as I remembered the memories I had made in that place, and we begged the new governor of the port to let us reconstruct it with our own time and money. The man hadn't seemed to care, and the crew came together to gather supplies to bring this neglected place back to its former glory all for my sake.  


But I returned that kindness tenfold to the citizens of the city. Women from the trafficking incident still had found it hard to receive jobs in the city, and those too poor or with families too large could not leave the port in search of employment elsewhere. I offered them solace in my shrine, teaching them valuable skills and a place to call home where the need to support anyone other than themselves was not needed. And they remained as my shrine maidens and kept this shrine alive for the better good of Awa's people.  


A handful of them are airing out the festival outfits for tomorrow out on the clothesline to the side of the shrine as Shin-ah and I approach in silence. A few look at him, then at me, then between themselves with a small giggle. My gaze sharpens when they gaze at me again, knowing it wasn't up to our creed to have the girls acting like this. If they wanted to carry on and have a fun time, it was done behind closed doors once our duties for the people were over with for the day. While they were in our uniform of red skirts and pure white tunics, they would act under the heaven's decree, not their own.  


I feel Shin-ah's eyes on me, and I turn to give him an apologetic frown. “You must forgive some of the newer additions to our shrine. They haven't quite gotten the gist of expected behavior when out in uniform.”  


He gives me a look of pride. I feel my cheek burns- gods, of course he wasn't worried about the girls. Still, how could he find such delight in seeing this place strive? Did he too remember the beautiful times we shared here and find his heart moved to see it standing in the glory it deserved?  


“They all are doing well.” He pauses when we come to the front of the shrine. His eyes drift across the two guards keeping watch at the path leading up to the building and a tiny glimmer of light catches as both Hyeon and Jeong lift their free hands with an exclamation of his name. The sailors had remembered the Dragon Warriors well in the time passed between this meeting and the last, and held them all with admiration in their hearts and minds. “You must receive the highest of praise for being entrusted their care.”  


“I deserve no such thing.” I shake my head with a small smile. “The heavens have been far too kind to me. My only desire is to have it returned tenfold to those who need it much more than I ever did.”  


The tender look he offers me has me threatening to dissolve into a puddle at his feet. The warmth of those mesmerizing eyes feels like a spring breeze after months of harsh winter chill. It says so much more than words could- I can feel its meaning flooding in through every pore of my body.  
“You deserve far more.” His quiet remark comes after what seems like an eternity lost in our own world. “For that beautiful heart of yours is worth the universe and far greater.”  


I flush so fervently that the heat seeps over the tops of my ears and down my neck. This man... who has given him the power to finally speak his heart with such poetry? Has his love for me been the key? Or has falling in love with some other woman on his journey open his body and soul to the notion of flattering words?  


My stomach falls. Oh, how easy it would be to pretend that such a notion was foolish. But I can't- not without knowing what had happened in the numerous years we had been apart. He could have easily found another woman on the journey he has taken this whole time. And how could I find it in my heart to blame him?  


“I must excuse myself for now.” I move to remove Ao from my shoulder, and the squirrel makes a sound of discontent but continues to sleep. I extend her out to him and give a tiny grin when she snuggles into his cupped hands. My eyes search his face as he places the squirrel into a pocket on his embellished tunic with gentle caution. “You will be back, won't you?”  


He nods. “Until later, then.”  


Hyeon and Jeong move in a direct beeline for Shin-ah once I'm safely inside the shrine. I try not to laugh as I hear their voices rise and fall in a animated sort of conversation. Gods know what they're bombarding the poor man within a matter of moments. Still, I'm sure it is a conversation they are all savoring. Who could deny them the pleasure of a meeting so many years in the making?  


The girls know better than to ask me why I arrived with Shin-ah in tow, nor do I feel like answering their questions even if they find the bravery to pry into this newly unfurling situation. Part of me knows it is because I do not wish to divulge such personal details of my life or heart with them, while another knows it is because I am afraid I will not have the answer. There is still far too much uncertainty as to the reason why Shin-ah has returned. Was it merely to show that he was a man who honored a promise he once made to me? Or was it that and something more- something that reminded him of the bond of our souls shared in this life and another now long gone?  


Chiao-Xing's memories had come and gone with the years just like they always had. Some were warm and blissful in the love she once shared with the first Blue Dragon Warrior, while others were so heartbreaking I wondered why this love within her soul had not forsaken him. It was hard at times to swallow them; I worried about what they spelled for my future with Shin-ah, if one really even existed between us in this lifetime.  


Still, I knew the shrine maidens would not be able to hold their tongues forever. We all ate a communal meal when darkness fell and when dawn broke, and the long gatherings were usually conducted to either bring order to the day or dissect it once it was at its end. The hall is a buzz with noise as the twelve women excluding myself held quiet conversations between themselves. I heard them all in passing as I picked at my own serving of the meal, glad that they were all excited for tomorrow's festivities. We all had put such great effort into it to not wish to enjoy in the fruits of our labor.  


“Ju-in,” I lift my head at the sound of my title. It is something that came in joking taunts from the sailors as we began our work on the shrine, but it had stuck as some of the women showed their respect for my position of leadership here. One of the younger girls is smiling as I gesture for her to pose whatever it is she wishes to speak to me about. “Is it true that man is apart of the royal household? That he is one of the Dragon Warriors who protects the queen?”  


I nod. “He and another from the palace will be joining us for the festivities.”  


The girls are all humming in excitement, though a few of the older ones who have lived through the crisis and my group seem a little subdued. I wonder if they vaguely remember Shin-ah or Jae-ha's tie to me. Perhaps they understand that this will be a new time for our city, palace, and monastic lifestyle. I see the question in their eyes and only shake my head with a small smile. They will not lose me; not just yet.  


The sacred fire is lit when midnight hits, and as head priestess, I take first watch. The women are asleep in clusters all around me, and my lips curl at the peaceful innocence drifting through the air. How many nights have we all passed together? How many hours have we spent in each others company, laughing or smiling as the hope for another day dawned upon us? These women understood suffering and wished to end it in their own way. They would do good for Awa. They already had.  


My mind wanders through the memories made in this place until ultimately settling on the time Shin-ah and the others had occupied this building with me. I could hear the faint tinkling of laughter we shared over meals while Hak provoked Ki-ja into another unnecessary argument, and the exasperated looks Yoon would give as he refilled our tea or served one of the men another serving of the meal. I remembered Yona's face flushed in giddy exuberance as the group around us interacted in such a humorous manner.  


It proves impossible to not focus on Shin-ah in the memories I still cherished so dearly from our time together. My chest constricts as the worries from before return with vigor. Oh stars, how would I ever find the strength to listen to him tell me that there was someone more important in his life? Or worse, that he believed it best for us to never endeavor on in this life side by side?  


Still, it seems foolish to blame him even if that is the case. He had no right to remain tied to me. The promise we had made all those years ago was forged when we both had been different people. I had no right to bar him from happiness if he had found it within another being. As long as he was alive and enjoying his life, deep down, I could wish for nothing greater.  


I move to wake one of the older maidens for the next watch and take my spot among the group to attempt to sleep. Jung has already murmured for me to get some rest for the busy day weighing down on my shoulders, and I know she is right to offer me some motherly regard. She will do well as the next leader of this place should I ever leave. The shrine will not falter or corrode to the world's whim if placed in her hands.  


Despite her warm wishes, I cannot sleep. All I can see is Shin-ah and our sudden reunion now almost a day old. My heart aches so terribly I know there is nothing that can calm its cries. The emotions rampant within me leave me nauseous and vulnerable. I have not felt this vulnerable to the existence of another person since they left. The feelings that flood my weary veins are powerful and equally as dangerous. I am afraid of how weak it will make me and how much it will revert the calm, assured aura I fought tooth and nail for this entire time.


	2. Festivity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always for everyone who is reading this fic. Please enjoy!

I must have indeed fallen asleep in utter exhaustion some time later when the worries finally quieted to a trickle, and by the time I groggily crack one eye open, there is no denying that dawn will soon be upon us. My hands move to wipe at my tender eyes and nose; it's clear that I've fallen asleep crying again. Hopefully none of the women have noticed. It is not proper for them to see me weak when such a momentous day is upon us.  


The others are soon awake, and we begin separating the tasks that need to be completed with little back talk. I perform my ablutions and come inside to wash myself in a mixture of warm water, flowers, and herbs from the forest and seaside around us. I take the brief span of minutes I have alone to pray and calm my spirit, knowing that this was no time to be worrying about petty things like love or leaving.  


The shrine is elaborately decorated with wreaths of garlands and thin strands of precious metals that are elaborately strung with orbs of glass and seashells. Our usually bare swept main hall where meals are taken and meetings are generally kept has been lined with various pillars, each alternating with a candle atop it lit from the holy fire itself. The prayer box has been adorned with a small silk runner with the symbol of our country and is ready to receive a small offering from the villagers who make their trek up to our shrine on this auspicious day.  


A handful of women have gone down to the city to retrieve our first meal for the day as well as any other items needed to see us through until tomorrow; we all know that once the day begins and the crowds begin to pile up, there will be no time to be making any journeys outside of the shrine until it is time for our performance later in the evening. We will need every able body to do their job and keep up with the arduous span of activities the hours of the day will entail. There is absolutely no time to waste giggling or gallivanting around to take in what is sure to be a mesmerizing sight in not only Awa, but the entirety of Kouka.  


I am dressed in my full regalia today and stand within the shrine towards the back to not disturb the citizens as they come and make their prayers for peace and good fortune in this new era. Some come and speak to me directly once they have finished, while others merely nod their head in respect as they are departing to go back to the city. I offer each a prayer regardless in my own stead, hoping that the heavens will help clear their hearts and mind to do what is good in this world as well as letting them receive good in kind.  


A few of the maidens approach me with a question for our production later in the evening, leaving me distracted when a sudden energy fills the shrine all around me. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, but it is a pleasant sort of electricity. My chest feels so light, yet at the same time, so constricted it feels as though this scene has happened once before, though I cannot remember for the life of me if it ever has or not.  


I turn to see both Jae-Ha and Shin-ah kneeling before the prayer box. It's not hard to recognize the Green Dragon Warrior, even though he too has aged; the smirk that uncurls on his face when he has finished praying is so familiar I have to resist frowning in response. Some of the younger maidens are flushing and trying to keep their conversations muted as their eyes remained glue on him. Even after all these years, the man resembled an obnoxious flirt who smelled of trouble everywhere he went.  


My whole body warms as Shin-ah finishes a moment later, and his eyes remain fixated on me. The look is respectful unlike his brother's and I can't help but grin from ear to ear to have them both come of their own accord to the shrine on this auspicious holiday.  


“My, my.” Jae-Ha's witty retort does nothing to sour my mood, though it does seem to boost his considerably. “Could this possibly be the lovely Ming-Hua?”  


“In the flesh.” I reply with ease, knowing it wouldn't do to make a face with so many others around us. “Welcome home, Jae-Ha. You have been missed by many in these parts.”  


“Happy to finally be back.” He smirks. “Captain's been nagging me so much that it makes it feel as if little to no time has passed.”  
I barely contain my chuckle. “Oh really? So I take it you've already visited her.”  


“We accompanied her up here today.” He jerks his head towards the entrance. “She merely stopped to talk to the two men who were on guard. I'm sure she'll be in within a few minutes, Ji-un.”  


“Thank you.” I'm not fazed in the slightest by his teasing use of my title. What I'm worried about is Gi-gan. That old woman was as stubborn as they got, and doubly more so with each year she has aged. She knows that her health is no longer in its prime, and any strenuous activity is to be restricted as much as possible. I have already made it clear to her that she had no need to travel up to the shrine, even on a day like today, but it seems like usual, she does as she pleases. “Both of you. It gives me peace of mind to see you both in good health and prosperity after so many years.”  


“And while I am always happy to be in your presence, fair maiden,” He bows with a flourish before smacking Shin-ah with vigor on the back. “I'm sure the Blue Dragon here is far more enraptured to be reunited with you.”  


Shin-ah's eyes have slid to his necklace around my neck, and I feel my heart jump start as his look morphs ever slightly. This piece of jewelry has been my steady source of comfort, as well as heartache, in the time that we have been apart. I have worn it almost every day since we have last seen each other, and it holds this truth in every worn bead and weathered indent time had left on its surface. I poured my love, my tears, and my frustrations into those colored glass and metal beads.  


“We shouldn't keep you any longer.” Shin-ah dips his head reverently. “You have much to do.”  


I nod. “Thank you. Will you two be present for the ceremony and performance tonight?”  


“Wouldn't miss it for the world, would we?” Jae-ha's wicked grin is split purposefully between myself and his brother. “After all, she is performing for us and Lady Yona.”  


“She performs on behalf of the heavens.” Shin-ah corrects him before I can. “So it is all of Kouka's hopes and prayers she is offering time and time again. Nothing more.”  


Jae-ha scratches the back of his head. “Getting schooled by my brother six years my junior, huh? Man,” He slumps over dramatically. “I really must be getting senile.”  


“You are, brat.” I wince as Gi-gan's hand resounds with an echoing smack against his neck. Even in her late sixities, she hit with precision and pressure that could knock a fully grown man unconscious if she timed it correctly. “And you know that's sad, coming from me.”  


Jae-ha offers a reluctant chuckle while rubbing at the back of his head. “Glad to know I still get the hard truth and nothing else from you, Captain.”  


She waves the men away so that she can stand before me. I dip my head when she beckons for me, and I can't help but smile as she places a kiss to my forehead. It's more a motherly sign of affection and a silent wish for good fortune with my solo routine this evening, and I know it will help calm my nerves for the time being.  


“Everything looks wonderful.” She is looking around the shrine with a nod of approval before jerking her thumb back and Jae-ha and Shin-ah waiting patiently in the background. “We've been invited to sit and watch with the the governor, so when you are finished you will come dine with us.”  


Whether this is a direct command from Lord Mu-Dan or just Gi-Gan, I couldn't tell you. The newest overseer for Awa was much better than most of his predecessors, though he too was not without flaw. I tolerated him since he did not bother our shrine often, but there were some things I did not like about him that could not be spoken about out loud.  


My smile shrinks just a fraction. “Sure. I'm looking forward to it."  


The three of them make their retreat not long afterward. Jae-ha is keeping Gi-gan involved in some sort of animated conversation. Shin-ah seems to be listening as I watch on from my spot at the back of the shrine, but he turns his head slightly to look at me one last time. I can see his eyes widen just a fraction as my breath catches, and he turns back before anything else can occur.  


I know that second look has to mean something. It had to. Neither Jae-ha nor Gi-gan had turned, so for him to do so solely...  


I shake my head and take a deep breath to clear my jittery thoughts. Now is not the time. There are far too many more things to be preoccupied by other than a stupid guessing game I know I would lose by over-thinking a silly situation like that. There would be a time to speak to him alone once the festivities were over and everything had returned to our normal routine.  


Somehow midday turns into afternoon, and the shrine is closed off so that the maidens and I can ready ourselves for the festival down in Awa's main square. A few of the men are coming up from the city to gather us. Part of them will be playing the heavy drums keeping rhythm for our melodies, while another section will act as guard just in case we are in need of some security. It seems odd to think that someone would wish to harm or slander another being on a day like today, but it was best to be safe for everyone that to put blind faith into the whole of such a densely populated city.  


I am whisked away to partake in a small meal and have my hair plaited into intricate designs that went far beyond my knowledge of braids and plaits. The girls are now overflowing with excited conversation, and their high-pitched voices fill the entire shrine with an overwhelming amount of noise. It is hard to concentrate with the giggles, calls for one item or another, or just the energy they exuded this close to performance, but I steeled myself until my hair, outfit, and makeup are complete to not show how badly it bothers me; all I ache for was some silence to get my thoughts in order.  


The girls are dispersing to grab their instruments or various items needed to complete the succession of dances planned for the evening, and I take it as a cue to go take my leave for a brief span of time. One of the men on guard duty stands to follow me as I hurry to turn the corner away from the shrine, but I wave to assure him I won't be venturing far. Just a few minutes to take a deep breath or two and have my head straight is all I need.  


I stop where the path leads to the well much deeper within the forest's hold and stand securely. Once my breathing's slowed, I close my eyes and say a set of prayers. The first is to the heavens to thank them for giving me this opportunity to represent Awa and the people I loved on such an important night, as well as for all the prayers offered in our shrine throughout the entirety of the day. The second is to my mother, to gush about how nervous I am, not only for the dance, but for Shin-ah to be present for these festivities as well. I ask her for guidance and a gentle boost of courage as I find my feet setting off on a new path.  


Everything calms within me for a moment, and I waste no time returning to the shrine. The sun has already dipped below the surface of the glassy ocean a hundred yards away from us, and the vast expanse of sky is turning from a deep orange-red to a murky sort of violet that will disappear as the utter darkness takes over. It's a beautiful sight I don't get to see much of with my time so heavily invested in the shrine, and I smile in thanks to know such a dazzling sky will be the backdrop for the whole evening ahead of us.  


My staff is dutifully handed to me by Jung, and I gather the girls calmly in the order we're supposed to walk in all the way down to Awa. Some of the girls are talented with instruments and give one last test to their timbre before filing into place among the male musicians joining us. After giving one final moment for everyone to gather themselves and all their necessary belongings, I lift my voice in song, and the entire contingency begins its steady march down to Awa.  


I think it's almost magical, how our entire trip is heralded by the sound of instruments and innocent voice raised in song from beginning to end. The steady beat of the drums keeps beat with our own heartbeats and footsteps, and my voice keeps tempo to their echoing resounds as the chorus of songs we have sang every festival flows from my lips. Some are more lighthearted than others, though the songs grow more serious the closer to Awa we become. The others join in for some songs or only parts of others, and hearing their voices float in around me reminds me that I am not alone.  


We are beckoned to Awa by a set of torches that begin at the entry gate of the city all the way down until we reach the square that is ablaze with light and noise. The crowd is large this year- it's clear that many people have filed in on this auspicious day to be apart of our singular festivities. Shrines are still at a low, even now. The fear that they are unneeded still rings true in most of the country, so many do not take up the opportunity to revitalize ones located in their sector of the kingdom.  


The song ends with a resounding echo as the girls and musicians file away to either side of the main square that is cleared, and I am now left in the center alone. I lift my eyes to the platform raised just before me and dip into a bow when I barely catch Mu-Dan's gaze as he watches on with some others in tow. I do not lift until the crowd has quieted and the steady beat of my musical background reverberates in the silence. And when I do, I am no longer Ming-Hua, but someone without a name, someone much larger and powerful that carries the hopes, fears, and prayers of a people too long in suffering that have now found a glorious light to push forward with.  


It is the tale of Yona and the Dragon Warriors that my dance portrays. I remember them as I go through the various stages the choreography follows, knowing that I perform for them as much as I ever did anyone else on this planet. My body curls with the aching grief of being cast from her kingdom, the hopeless they felt at many turns in their journey, and the unjust despair they felt for being called monsters and traitors to the country when they themselves fought tirelessly for this kingdom to be rid of its seedy underbelly unlike anyone else. They too had known suffering and wish to eradicate it. They had loved me, after all, when I too had been broken and abused.  


My favorite part of the dance is the joyful ending built up after the tension of the first two sections of the dance. The beat of the drum is maddeningly quick, and the calling cries from the girls as I circle, spin, and leap with some height across all corners of the open square around me lure me to feel the anticipation building all around me. I spin faster and faster until the world is only a blur of light and sound all around, until I stop on a pin's drop and toss my staff into the air. I hear the steady hum but do not lift my head to see how high it has lifted to spin, and in an act of faith and nothing more, I lift my hand and feel the smooth wood slip into my possession yet again.  


The staff is pounded into the stone to signal the end of my performance, and there is utter silence for a long few moments from the crowd. They suddenly erupt in a booming set of applause, shouts, and hollers for a encore of some kind, but I retreat into the background as the girls in the next dance come out to set themselves into position despite the roaring cries not yet quelled. I merely nod as the other girls look at me with awe and pride etched into their faces, but I beckon them to watch their sisters performing before they can do anything foolish like hug me or scream in delight as the mood overtakes them.  


There is a look of concern as some of the older women realize how much of a toll that dance can take on my body, but I'm thankfully steady as the rush of adrenaline within my veins seems to remain even this long after I'm finished. I'm only in one last dance for the evening, and I will need any small reserve of strength to see it through before sitting through what is sure to be a complicated meal.  


My eyes lift to scan the platform Mu-Dan is on, and I try not to smile as I watch Gi-gan and Jae-ha obviously enjoying the dance with a small conversation passing between them. The governor himself is smugly pleased, but I don't want to look at his rounded face for more than a few moments. Shin-ah is on his other side, and as my eyes lift over his elaborate outfit that is in a mixture of navy blues, gold, and white, I suddenly realize that he's already been watching me.  


Gods, the look in his eyes- there is no way to fully describe the range of emotions held in those spectacular set of irises. There is a slight edge of shock as he realizes he's been caught peeping, but it softens to allow the admiration, adoration, and- wait, is that passion? No. I try not to shiver as that edge to his gaze has me trembling in some strange mixture of delight and awe. Maybe the adrenaline rushing into my head is leaving me a little delusional.  


The last of the four dances is the most upbeat and is our finale before the feast can begin. I trade my staff for a branch from the forest around Jinju Shrine that has been dipped in incense and dried for the festival. The other shrine maidens all have a branch as well, and we set out into our movements in unison with one another. This is a less than formal dance, so I've allowed them to laugh or smile as the mood leads them, and almost all have a huge grin plastered on their place. I'm smiling as well, giddy with relief that the night has gone on without a hitch. There have been a few small mistakes on my behalf and in the following two dances, but I could care less. No one could expect perfection; I never did.  


As the song ends we throw our branches into the large cauldron burning with a bonfire of its own, and the air around Awa catches the sweet aroma of the incense as it burns away under the fire's touch. Each maiden bows to the governor and turns to wait in the sides until all have completed the gesture. I come up in the rear to signal that once I am finished bowing, our section of the festivities is over and the night can continue on to its next phase.  


Mu-Dan nods his thanks to me when I stand. It's clear we've done well, and doubly as nice to know we've impressed everyone with a set of dances performed every year for this day of hope. The girls have worked hard, and it shows. The heavens are delighted. I can feel the pulsating waves of approval wafting down from the pristine celestial sky above my head.  


After retrieving my staff from one of the guards, I thank the girls and allow them to disperse as they wish in groups of no smaller than two or three to dine with the citizens. They all bow and thank me for my performance in turn, and I wave them away with a smile, knowing that they are the ones who deserve the highest of praise for not only performing, but helping have this entire day mapped out from start to finish.  


The crowd all moves to offer me a congratulation or prayer as I attempt to make my way through their throngs to the platform, and I find myself stopping more often than I like to squeeze a shoulder or kiss a child on the head as they are offered to me. There's nothing to complain about. This is my job, and I love every moment of it, even if it is hectic and invading at times.  


By the time I've reached the platform, the others have begun drinking the ceremonial soju presented before the meal. I dip my head in thanks as Jae-ha calls out to me with a wink and whistle, knowing that that was the best sort of response I was going to get on his behalf once he started drinking. Gi-gan's eyes are ablaze with motherly pride and love, and my chest lightens to see her so animated this evening.  


“Ji-un,” Mu-Dan has turned to nod his acknowledgment. His voice is a strange mixture of high and low; to say the least, it's not very appealing to my ears. “Come join us. The food will be here in a moment. You've been settled beside the Blue Dragon Warrior. Sit down and have something to drink.”  


“Thank you, sir.” I dip my head and retreat to my seat. “I'll do so, then.”  


Shin-ah makes room for me at the low table set for us solely, and I smile in gratitude as he pours a fraction of the soju onto my saucer. I lift it to my lips and take a small sip, knowing that as thirsty as I am, the last thing I want to do is be inebriated before the night is over. Shin-ah's saucer is empty, so I refill his as is customary, and he too takes only a small sip before sitting quietly beside me.  


I worry that we have not distilled it to his liking, and I turn to look at him with a sense of concern. “Is it not good?”  


He shakes his head. “I'm just not much of a drinker.”  


“Hm.” I laugh, remembering that this was true the last time he was here as well. “Me either.”  


“You did well.” He says suddenly but quiets just as quickly after seeing me flush at the uncalled for praise. Shin-ah is not the type to say things he does not mean, even if it would be common courtesy for a regular person. So for him to say it means he felt it from the bottom of that wonderful heart of his. “Very well. There are no words to describe how mesmerizing it was.”  


“Thank you.” I curl my hands into my robe and hope I do not look like a flustered hand-maiden. “I hoped my dance touched people's souls. That's all I can ask for as a reason to perform.”  


“You've always had a way of reaching people.” His voice is quiet as the praise continues to roll from his lips. “When you were with us, we all felt that we could do more good in the world because you believed in our cause.”  
I'm speechless. All along, that was how they felt about me? That somehow, all those years ago, when I had been a shivering coward with no backbone, I instill hope in them too?  


“Impossible.” The word is a whisper when it leaves my lips. My heart is pounding wildly now, though the rush of adrenaline has long since ended. I find it hard to believe. They were the ones who inspired me, not the other way around. “You jest.”  


“I wouldn't.” His voice is soft as the food is placed dutifully on the table before us. “Not with you.”  
The questions are threatening to spill from my mouth: Why? Why have you come back for me? Do you love me? Or is it for some other reason that you've kept your promise to me?  


I know I cannot ask them. Not at such a time, when so many people are around us. The time will come for us to speak in private. Tonight is a time to cherish that fate had brought us together for whatever reason now dawned unknowingly before us.  
Instead, I smile and heap the various dishes onto his plate as he sits quietly taking in the crowds dining all around us. “This reminds me of the last night we shared in Awa, hm?”  


He turns to look at me with the tiniest of smiles. “It does.”  


“That was a glorious night.” I sigh dreamily while helping myself to some of the spice-rubbed fish. That night was the catalyst for so many things- some only for me, and some for the whole of these people. “That was a victory I doubt this city will ever forget.”  


“They earned it.” He concurs with some gravity. “I am only glad we were able to play a part in it.”  


I know better than to ask if he remembers the night that passed between us. How he begged me to stay because he had never felt love in this life before. How with tears streaming down my face I had told him that I would be waiting for him here while I healed myself of the many hurts that life had lashed upon my heart.  


It didn't matter at this point. Everything had worked out for the best, even if at the time neither of us understood how or why this could ever be the better option. I had healed as much as time would allow; the scars would never fade, and some of those horrors would be mine to carry forever, but I was stronger, wiser, and more stable.  


And he too had found those attributes within our time apart. There was no denying it.  


Instead, I try to pull some harmless information out of him. “Would you mind telling me more about the others?”  


He shakes his head kindly. “Ask what you wish.”  


“How is this festival within the palace grounds?” I gesture to the bonfire and city beyond. “It must be a grand celebration much larger than this here.”  


He remains lost in his own thoughts for a moment. “It is. There are larger parties and fireworks. But,” His eyes flit across the citizens drinking and eating to their contentment. “I prefer this.”  


“How extraordinary.” I breathe. It's easy to see the night sky lit up with a colorful show of explosives, and a hall full of people dressed to the nines in fancy robes and precious jewels. But what sticks with me the most is the vision of all our comrades laughing and enjoying themselves to their hearts' content. After all, the reason we celebrate is because of them. “I would love to see it one day.”  


He hums his agreement, but nothing more. I know he cannot offer to take me back to see it. After all, any invitation to Hiriyuu's Palace had to be given by Yona or Hak. And while part of me knew that such an invitation was not entirely unfeasible, it wasn't going to come easily either. Any call to the royal capital was a momentous occasion; one I knew could mean very much or very little depending on the stipulations it came with.  


“Yoon will have his hands busy in the morning.” He says with a small smile curling on his lips. “He always complains when this day comes.”  


I laugh at the sight of an older Yoon grumbling over a meal to the others. It's so like him to do something like that; he's always been the worry wort of the group. “I don't blame him with the level of debauchery that usually goes on throughout the night. Though I hope the others working with him will do their part and do not leave it all on his shoulders.”  


“His main assistant is very capable.” He reassures me while refilling my soju. “And very fond of him as well.”  


“Ah, is that so?” My words do not conceal their amusement. Yoon was a handsome soul, and a brave one at that. Whoever she was, she was lucky if she won his affection. “Does she stand a chance?”  


“He does.” I can feel my breath catch for a moment, but Shin-ah continues on all the same as if it does not shock him in the slightest. “They are partners in more than just a career.”  


The feeling of grateful in my chest blossoms. So Yoon too had found love in this lifetime. Praise the stars. I had always worried that he would be one of the last to find a spouse with the way he always worried about everyone other than himself.  


“How wonderful.” I release a giddy sort of giggle as the warm feeling lingers. “I'm so happy for him.”  


“We are too.”  


“So Hak and Yona have finally settled, hm?” I muse happily. “And the little prince is how old now?”  


“He will be two this coming summer.” There is a hint of pride in Shin-ah's voice. “His name is Yeong.”  


“Yeong.” I repeat with a sense of admiration. All I can see is a child with Hak's hair and Yona's beautiful features. “I'm sure Hak and Yona must be so proud.”  


“They are.” He nods. “He is a good child.”  


“And Ki-ja?” I inquire. “Is he married?”  


Another nod. “To a woman from his village.”  


“So I suppose that just leaves you and Jae-ha hm?” I speak before I realize it, and when I hear my words, I cringe. How shallow. “N-not that you must be settled to find joy. I just think... it kind to have you spend your lives with someone by your side.”  


“Jae-ha may never settle.” His reply comes with a humored snort. “Though he may yet change his mind.”  


He says nothing about himself, and I do not have the courage to ask. The sheer exclusion of his sentiments on the matter does nothing to settle my already frantic mind and heart. The refusal to speak on his behalf could have something to do with me or someone else entirely. Perhaps he is not trying to bring me to tears on such a joyful night. I know not to take it so hard. There is far too much left unspoken to put faith into these growing fears of mine.  


We talk of nothing of importance for the majority of the evening until Mu-Dan retires himself and wishes the whole village an easy evening. The musicians jump into song as the formal atmosphere lifts, and dancing breaks out amongst the crowd gathered around us. I am glad to see all the energized spirits still going this late into the night, but I myself am weary to the bone. It has long since been past my usual time to retire, and with the added pressures of the day, I feel the exhaustion even stronger.  


And it seems it has become apparent to Shin-ah. He has dipped his head to give me a look of concern as my vision hazily drift over the dancing bodies, and I attempt to smile away the worry in his eyes. “You are fatigued.”  


“I'm just in need of a good night's slumber.” I reassure him. My hand reaches up to squeeze his bicep, but I retract it quickly. Fool. It was improper to be touching him in the ways I used to when there had been a tangible connection between us. “Gi-gan's home is not far. The maidens are all resting there tonight.”  


“I will take you there.” He stands to his feet, and the pristine stole around his shoulders flutters with the movement. My chest aches as I drink in his full frame. He is far too handsome. Time has only intensified my desire to remain beside him. He extends a hand down to me, clearly unperturbed by my lingering gaze of longing. “Come.”  


I do not hesitate to place my own in his, and he gingerly helps me to my feet. For a moment, I'm lost in those eyes so intent on holding my dreamy gaze that it seems the world around us has yet again disappeared. Is this the way Chiao-Xing felt every time she looked at her beloved? Was this what Shin-ah too felt each time our eyes happened to lock?  


When he removes his hand and turns to carry my staff, I find I will never know. The man, like ever, is a mystery I fear not even time will allow me to unravel. Part of me understands deep down that he does not do it intentionally- after years of being barred from the world, he has grown into a person who keeps as much of his personal thoughts to himself as possible- but another part wishes he would just be blunt with me instead of toying with the feelings I have continued to blossom on his behalf over all these years of patient waiting.  


We wind down the darkened alleys to Gi-gan's abode in silence. The sounds of the party start to grow dimmer the farther away we travel, and I am glad for some discrepancy in volume. All of the other shrine maidens will be staying with us this evening as well, just for safety issues. As bad as it was, if we allowed them to wander freely into the night, there was no telling what could happen before morning broke.  


Shin-ah respectfully stops outside the door and hands my staff back to me. I take it with a bob of my head, glad that he had taken the decent weight into his own hands. The blisters are already beginning to form; the dull pain is starting to radiate over various parts of my palms and feet in ways I am all to familiar with. Tomorrow would be a day where every muscle in my body would ache, but I knew it wouldn't matter. Such was a performer's life. I had gotten over it in the years I had taken up my staff and ascended to this austere position.  


“Well,” I give him a gracious smile. “I guess this is where we say goodbye for tonight.”  


He nods lightly but does not say anything for a moment. I think he means to let me go without a formal goodbye so I turn on my heel. His hand comes to curl around my wrist after I only manage two or three steps away, and I turn to look at him in concern. Was there something he wanted to tell me after all?  


“Tomorrow.” He says suddenly. “May I speak with you then?”  


My heart drops as I'm caught off guard. The look on his face is serious, and gods I hate to admit it, fearful. What possible reason could he have to want to speak with me alone? Was this the dreaded talk I feared would come since the moment he had returned to Awa?  


“The girls and I have to clean the shrine in the morning, but,” I attempt a smile, but it flops. My lungs have constricted. It is hard to breathe. The endless list of possibilities seem to be surging back again, and most are not encouraging. Not after the direction tonight has taken. “You're free to come fetch me around midday if it's convenient.”  


He nods while removing his hold of me. “Until then. Good night, Ming-Hua.”  


It's the first time he's spoken my name since returning, and I feel the tears prick my eyes as I hurry into the house. Gods, how long had I wished to hear him speak my name again? Would it all be for naught?  


I hated to doubt him. I hated to think all this longing would be for nothing. Still, what it would mean if he did love me? Would I have to leave Awa- forsake everything I once held so dearly just to be by his side?  


I'm sick to my stomach. Thankfully I did not manage to eat much during the feast, and the small bounty of food is the only thing I wretch up as I bend over an empty pot. The anxiety is overflowing now; I haven't had an attack in over a year now so this sudden reappearance is an ill omen. I am not as strong as I think. Maybe it's been a facade all along.  


My thoughts take some time to calm. I've learned to isolate myself when they happen and attempt to steady my breathing until they pass. I dress myself in a spare gown I keep in the house here for my days off from my duties- which have been few and far between with this evening to plan for- and undo my hair until it settles in long waves across my shoulders. I remember the nights when this feeling would never seem to pass but push those darkened memories away. Those moments of feeling lost and letting go of my care for living would not return. My breath would not be wasted by living; even if Shin-ah did not love me, it did not mean the world was over. Perhaps it was just beginning.  


With that thought firmly repeated in my mind, I find my body calmed as much as it can be. Most of the girls have returned, as has Gi-gan, and they are quietly gathered in clusters taking care of bandaging feet or applying salves to minor abrasions the night has brought. They all begin to applaud when I come into view, gushing at different intervals about how spectacular my dance was or how beautiful everything turned out to be.  


“None of this would have been possible without your support, ladies.” I dip into a bow. “So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. The night was a success because you were there to share in it with me.”  


Some wipe the tears from their eyes while others hug each other in glee for my honest praise. I smile and shake my head at the mixed reactions. What silly creatures.  


Gi-gan gestures for me to sit, and I do so without much hesitation. She dabs the salve over my feet and palms, knowing already the places that pain me the most. If only I could tell her how tender the ache in my heart is at this very moment. How I long to pick her brain about what I should do, or if she knew anything about why after all this time Shin-ah had finally returned.  


If she knows something, she makes no attempt to show it. Ma's never been the type to divulge information unless it was absolutely necessary. Whether she has heard something about this trip's true meaning- if there is such a thing. Perhaps I am over-thinking things like usual- or not, the woman will never tell me nor any other living soul. If there was anyone who could hold a secret, it was Gi-Gan.  


The last of the girls file in with a hurried apology for being distracted by something or another, and we welcome them all the same back to us. I know I will have to subtly remind them not to get pulled in by the festivities the next time there is a day to celebrate, but now is not the time for chastisement. We all deserve one calm evening before something else is yet upon us.  


Still, I guess I am a little too optimistic. 

“Ji-un,” One of the girls beckons me with a call of my title. She slides her gaze to one of the other maidens beside her, and a round of giggles ensue between them. “Is it true that the man you set next to at the feast- that warrior from the royal household- is someone that you knew long ago?”  


My lips want to curl in distaste at the personal question, but I refrain from doing so. “Yes. Why? Is it something of concern to you?”  


“I suppose it is, to all of us, if what we've heard is true.” Another from a different section of the group puts in with some somberness. My throat clenches. Of course people would have remembered my group and the time they had been in Awa. “Tell us: is this the man you have sworn your life to be with? Has he come to take you back with him?”  


A sudden hush falls over the group. The excitement that has been stable all evening seems nonexistent now. Gi-gan has opened her mouth to perhaps tell the girls to mind their own business, but I lift a hand to tell her that this is something I must deal with alone.  


“The answer to both of those questions, at this moment, is no.” I confess with a small sigh. “However, I cannot say with certainty that it will remain as such for much longer.”  


“So you may be leaving us?”  


I look into all their fearful faces, and for a moment, my resolve falters. But that moment of uncertainty is shorter than a second, and my confident resolution returns with a calm ebb into my veins. “Even if I do, Jinju Shrine will always be home to you. Do not worry, girls. I will not leave you forsaken or forgotten, regardless of what happens. Just trust in me.”  


That seems to relieve them for the time being and I excuse myself upstairs for the evening. It feels wrong, but perhaps I am too conscious to know that leaving with Shin-ah will not come without major repercussions. These girls rely on me. They need direction and someone to give them hope when the world would have barred it from them. I do not wish to leave them to the whims of fate, but is that what I want? To spend the rest of my life here in Awa until I am too old to move and someone else must stop their lives to care for me?  


There is no easy answer. I have known this since before I even left the group all those years ago. To have one thing meant forsaking another. I could not stay here in Awa and have Shin-ah. It had always been such. I had chosen Awa before, but now, would I choose it again? Or would I take a leap of faith if I asked to follow him wherever in this world he was called to?  


“Breathe.” Gi-gan lays her hand cautiously on my back. “One deep breath in, then one out. Do not let the girls get to you. They are too curious for their own good.”  


“I know.” The words are strangled when I finally manage to speak. “This isn't their fault.”  


“It isn't yours either.” She reminds me kindly. “You could not foresee them coming back at such a time. It will be a difficult choice for you to make. Do not let anyone sway you from doing what your heart wants most from your life.”  


“Then he really is here to ask me to leave with him?” I look at her with a mixture of fear and hope. “Is it true?”  


She looks to the window. “Let him find the words himself, child. I'm guessing at much at this entire circumstance's end as you are.”  


There's nothing I can really do but wait for my talk with Shin-ah tomorrow. Worrying now will only cause further complications- it already has with the girls. I tell myself to be happy and wait patiently. Fate would not toy with us. If it intended to be cruel, it would have kept us apart forever.  


I fall asleep beside Gi-gan, glad that I have the warmth of another person to soothe me. She is snoring not long after she has drifted off into an exhausted sleep, and I follow behind not long afterward. My dreams are from another world, another time, and I hear a familiar tinkle of laughter echo in with a deeper one. Perhaps it was Chiao-Xing's way of showing how ecstatic she was to be reunited with her beloved. I would never know.


	3. Request

The morning progresses painfully slow between breakfast and returning to the shrine. I sleep surprisingly well without a single nightmare, though I know it is sure to be an oddity from here on out. The girls seem to be in good spirits, though more than one complains of a bruise or tender muscle from the night before. My feet ache and my muscles throb in dislike every time I move, but I grit my teeth and plow on ahead like I always have. 

Cleaning the shrine moves along at a much faster pace, and before I know it, it is midday. A group of shrine maidens who have gone down to the village to gather a few supplies for our evening meal has returned with a giggle, and oddly not with a single item in tow. I raise an eyebrow as the girls all scurry past me, but my eyes are drawn back to the door as a polite excuse is made there. 

Shin-ah places the wicker basket I have sent the girls down to the ground with caution, before moving to sling a decent size bag of rice beside it. A few of the women come to take it out of his way, but he waves them away with a short comment. They blush and hasten away, and the shrine around me echoes with the inevitable onset of giggles yet again. 

“Thank you.” I offer him in greeting with after moving to his side. His eyes lift to take in my smiling features, though he never mirrors the happy expression. “You've saved those girls a long journey home.” 

He nods. “It didn't seem right to leave them to do so. They worked hard yesterday; their muscles must be sore.” 

“That's very thoughtful of you.” My smile grows a fraction. “You have my heartfelt thanks.” 

He nods again and looks around the shrine. “Where should this go?” 

“The girls will sort them up and take them in small batches soon enough.” I wave away his concern. “But it's good of you to want to do so. It can be hard work for them, but it's a good lesson in perseverance.” 

He wipes his hands on his trousers before jerking his head towards the forest outside. “Shall we?” 

We amble out of doors at a leisurely pace, but the frantic beat of my heart reminds me that this is no carefree outing. It's hard to walk- mostly in part because my muscles are screaming in resistance to any added strain they are burdened with, while the other is the painful constricting in my lungs as every nerve in my body wants to tug Shin-ah by the arm and force him to tell me every secret he is holding back from me- but I continue on with my eyes forward and my feet steady. I will not let my body betray me; not with so much in the balance. 

The trees of the glen begin to thin out as we approach the seaside cliffs, and Shin-ah gestures that this a good enough place for us to stop. I settle onto the ground first and distract myself with folding pleats into my skirt as he joins me in the dirt. The warmth is almost tangible even when he is a polite foot or so away from me; I wish for nothing more than for him to hold me in his arms as he had the moment we first reunited and tell me everything my heart screamed could be true in this lifetime. 

I know there's quite a deal weighing on his conscious, so I give him time to sit quietly and collect his thoughts. Mine are anything but collected, racing from one hurried conclusion to another until I'm on the verge of vomiting, crying, or an odd mix of the two. I hate that I am so unstable and wary. Hadn't the years since leaving my village taught me to hope and believe that good things could happen in this lifetime when you least expected it? 

“Yona's asked to see you again.” He offers at first, and I feel my heartbeat quicken. Ah, so he did come with a royal request after all. It is touching, but then again, alarming. A trip to the capital would take time, and stars only know how long I would expected to remain there if the change was only going to be as temporary as a quick vacation of sorts. “But rest assured that there is no rush for us to take up this journey.” 

I nod. It seems even the queen knows that I cannot just up and leave my life in Awa behind at her beckoning. Not that I think her cruel or selfish to ever demand something like that to begin with. Yona's always been a benevolent leader who wasn't naïve enough to think the world revolved solely around her. 

“How long do I have until it is necessary to leave?” 

He hums in speculation. “That depends.” 

“On what?” 

His fingers move to pluck at some minuscule twigs that have accumulated around his boots. “The length of the journey, and who will be in attendance.” 

I give him a weary look of concern. His dubious wording does nothing to settle my stomach's uneasiness. What does he mean by who? Aren't Jae-Ha, he, and I the only ones going away from Awa? 

“You have a choice.” He lifts two fingers in clarification. “And it is this: either Jae-ha travels with us, or we set off together without him.” 

I'm flabbergasted by this point. This isn't the conclusion I've come to, nor a decision that feels right being placed into my hands. Why give me the choice? 

When the realization dawns on me, I feel stupid, but at the same time, flustered. Shin-ah wants us to travel without anyone else, but he does not wish for me to feel as though I have no choice in the matter. He is not giving me an ultimatum, but rather, the one prayer I have longed to have answered for many, many moons now. While it isn't a direct confession of love, the mere fact that such a choice is even offered means that perhaps there is something that weighs on his heart and mind for me that wishes for us to be intimate. 

There's no point in thinking. I've known since the moment he's utter my choices which one I favor. “I'd rather it be just us two.” The forest is hushed as I bear my answer out into the silence. “Unless that would be too inconvenient or improper.” 

He shakes his head. “Jae-ha will come behind with another who is taking a position at the palace stables.” His arms relax into the dirt as his gaze burrows somewhere beyond where we sit. “And I can assure you that nothing will be done to cause you discomfort in body or soul. You have my word.” 

“As long as I have you beside me,” I murmur more so to myself than to him. These feelings have been mine to cherish at night- mine to weep with, mine to celebrate with, mine to ponder and expand. “There is no reason for me to fear.” 

He's staring at me as I dip my head towards the ground. I can feel its power sure and strong without even having to meet it. My heart is thumping frantically. It feels as though I will never grow use to those weighty looks that hold the universe and more within them. 

“Good.” His voice is a tender murmur when it emerges. “I hoped you would choose so.” 

Now I can't help but look at him. The expression on has changed, and it feels as though a warm blanket of sunlight has fallen over my skin from the sight. How utterly happy he looked in that moment. Even without having to smile from ear to ear, I know Shin-ah is overjoyed to journey home with only me in tow. 

“May I,” He lifts his eyes to look at the treetops above us. “May I hold you?” 

My cheeks are burning at his soft inquiry. It is so like him to wish consent before enacting any small action he makes in regards to me or my body. It is a level of respect and admiration that I have not yet known in this lifetime since we parted, but one I know will continue on into eternity if we remain alongside each other. 

I nod, still too shocked for his loving understanding of my boundaries to speak. He wastes no time gathering me into his arms until I am snug against his body. My hands slide around his torso to lightly rest against his back. I am so calmed by his warmth and scent that the worries of our trip, my position at Jinju Shrine, and my own troubled heart seem to no longer exist in this lifetime. I am spellbound- utterly enthralled into an almost magical sense of bliss that I can ask for nothing more in these tender moments. 

His hand lifts to smooth through my hair while the other holds me secure. My cheek is dipped against his chest, and I close my eyes as his own elevated heartbeat pounds to its quicken tempo just beneath my ear. I wonder if it is trying to tell me something he is too afraid to spill from his lips. It sounds like it is saying that it has loved me; the beats that echo my own are merely answering in concurrence to the confessions my own soul utters. 

Part of me wonders if he will kiss me, and my belly clenches in nervous excitement. I have not kissed a single man since he has left, not even on the cheek as a joke like some women might have if they had been in my shoes. Still, I can't help but wonder if his lips have ever fallen on anyone else's since we've parted. He's been so utterly aloof that there seems to be something he's purposefully withholding all this time. As to what that means for me, or our relationship in the long run, I tell myself to have faith in him and give him space to speak to me as he's led. 

He releases his hold after some time, and we sit quietly taking in the forest. It seems as though neither of us wish to break away from this submergence back into our old chemistry, but I know the longer I dawdle in returning to the shrine, the less time I will have to sort out all of the necessary arrangements that come with leaving Awa. I still cannot tell myself that this is going to be for much longer than a few turnings of the moon. Until Shin-ah says he wishes for it to be so, I will not allow my heart to think otherwise. 

“You look concerned.” He has always been quick to pick up on my thoughts, and it seems that even time has not changed that beautiful connection between us. 

A deep sigh departs from my pursed lips. “It will be hard to put everything right in Awa, but don't think I'm second guessing myself so short after my agreement.” My lips lift into a peaceful smile. “This is what I want. I've chosen it of my own free will.” 

“As it should be.” He agrees solemnly. “I only wish.. there would be no sadness for you to carry.” 

“We can't have everything.” I remind him gently. It was the sentiment that had almost torn me asunder the night we shared alone in Awa those long years back. “In order for one path to continue, we sometimes leave behind a path once lovingly trodden by our feet.” 

He hums a nostalgic agreement. “Then let us be glad our paths have converged again.” 

“I already am.” I confess. “Are you?” 

“More than words could say.” 

He stands to his feet and dips to extend both of his hands down to me. The look on his masculine face is warm, but I think there is something that dims the comfort of it that isn't exactly able to be pinpointed. This aloofness is an elusive shadow I have noticed haunts him since the moment he arrived safely back to me. My soul aches to see him suffer in some unknown way; if my presence has not erased it, it is a formidable and dangerous pain he carries on within himself. 

I can't ask. Yet again, I'm forced to be silent and pray that by some miraculous whirlwind of events, the man will suddenly burst and spill everything that weighs on his mind. It pricks my heart and stains the once illuminated talk between us with a stain. Whether it is of blood or merely tears, the depth of it seems to be immeasurable when it remains kept tightly under lock and key. 

Shin-ah gives a polite goodbye as we venture to the outskirts of Junju Shrine, and I take his reservation to mean that he wishes for me to do what I must without interference. A lovely aroma is wafting from the back of the shrine where we usually cook on fair weathered days, and the high-pitched garbles that follow hit me so distinctly that I must blink away the incoming tears. Gods, the days I have spent in this place seem innumerable in retrospect. While these years had not been easy, I couldn't help but think they would be the times I looked back upon as the favored years of my entire life. 

My composure is oddly kept even until the meal has come to a close and the shrine maidens rush to ready themselves for bed. “Wait a moment, please.” My polite command stops some of the girls mid-movement, and after a few moments, everyone is settled again in an uneasy sort of silence. I feel my throat clench as their gazes hold my own in anticipation, but the words come calmly despite my body's obvious dread. “I have important news for all of you.” 

“You're leaving.” 

“Yes.” It's hard to continue when they all look at me as if their world has shattered. I worry too about how they all will fare, and if any suffering that comes their way could be avoided if I do not leave with Shin-ah. But I know I will not back down because of it. They will grow and adapt; it was what life amounted to in the end, after all. “The queen has invited me to the capital, so I will be making my journey there soon.” 

“Is it for forever?” Another voice breaks in. I hear weeping now. It's so painful I would rather them have inflicted me with a physical wound than to let me bleed in such a way. 

I sigh. “We must proceed on as if it is.” My eyes land on Jung, and I beckon her to my side. “Jung will take my place as head priestess of Jinju Shrine. She will be your Ji-un when I depart. I want you to look to her with your problems, with your joy, and with your future endeavors in mind. Do not think that I will ever go a day without praying for each and every one of you.” I pause to weep into my hands as I find the tears can no longer be contained. “I love you all.. so much.” 

They are all coming to my side now, holding me in their arms and echoing words of reassurance into my ears when manageable. More than enough are crying, and some harder than I am. This will be an even harder parting than the one I made six years ago. Leaving five people who cared for me had been torture enough. Leaving twelve seemed the greatest agony this soul of mine would ever endure. Why, dear gods, did I always find myself happiest in the moments when the greatest goodbyes of my lives were about to be made? 

After a while stories break out among the girls to cheer us all up, and somehow, I find the pain manageable enough to laugh or smile. The tears are not completely eradicated, nor are the screams of my heart to remain as I was for the betterment of everyone. But I know this new path is one I must take for myself, for the people I care so deeply for, and for the soul that has patiently waited for me to heal after being born into this battered shell for over twenty years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short but wonderful chapter, I hope! Thank you to all who are reading this.


	4. Farewell

The morning of our departure is warm thanks to a clear sky and a slight sea breeze that gently drifts over Awa from the sea beyond. It has taken me four days to feel completely comfortable having Jung take over as Ji-un without fear of her having no options to lean back on when she feels overwhelmed. The woman has a good head on her shoulders, and a far better heart than most in this world, and the combination of the two alongside her motherly nature would make her a strong leader if she didn't allow herself to worry incessantly. She had more than enough questions I was happy to answer, and as the days wore on and I stepped further and further into the background of the shrine's workings, the more confident she became in her own abilities alone and the girls' willingness to reassure her when she faltered slightly. 

Shin-ah only stopped by after the second day to see how I was faring and reassured me that if I needed up to five more days here in Awa, we could wait that long. I knew I could have taken all of those days greedily to ingrain a few last minute memories into my brain, but it seemed wrong to tax him of his infinite patience for my own selfish desires. He had preoccupied himself as much as possible with readying provisions and other necessary goods for our journey home. There was no point in letting him dawdle when the only thing impeding our trip was me. 

He came to fetch me from the shrine the morning of our trip and stood calmly as the girls made him promise time and time again to take good care of me. I couldn't make out any of his answers to those requests as I went about making sure all of my items had been packed away to be taken away with me, but when the girls broke out into high pitched squeals and other innately girly noises, I'm sure he had told them exactly what they wanted to hear. 

We walk side by side down to Awa, quiet as the impending goodbyes still to be made in the city keep us preoccupied. Shin-ah only breaks the silence once or twice with a well-deserved question- did I have everything I needed and if there was anything I wished for him to purchase before we left- and I'm glad that he's so attentive, even though he's already asked me each of these questions a handful of times in the span of time he's been waiting for me to end my duties here. Part of me knows none of my gowns will ever be on par with what the people in the capital are wearing, but I do not wish for any elaborate outfits nor any other luxurious things for our journey there. I am a simple peasant woman who came from nothing and will return to nothing. There was no point in hiding it from anyone who laid eyes on me. 

We stop by Gi-gan's house after gathering Shin-ah's mount from his journey over. Jae-ha is already there and tries to downplay the fact that she isn't feeling well today even with the weather so beautiful and warm. I feel my chest constrict to know that this may very well be the last meeting I will ever have with her in this lifetime. It feels wrong to leave her here alone to spend the rest of her days, but I know there is nowhere else she would rather be. 

She asks for Shin-ah first when we come into the main room of the house, and Jae-ha waves me away with a well-meant wink as he follows my blue-haired sweetheart into the smaller room adjacent to the hall. I go to the kitchen to make a pot of tea for us all, knowing I need to be distracted so I do not eavesdrop on their private conversation. Perhaps she has a message for Yona she wishes for him to carry. Or perhaps she is talking about me. I opt for the latter of the two; it would be so like her to give him a piece of her mind on my behalf before we leave. 

“All finished.” Jae-ha's voice tilts playfully in the space behind me, and I turn to see him leaning against the door frame of the kitchen with a pleasant smile. “Captain wants to speak to you now.” 

I nod. “Let me just get the tea steeped, and I'll be right in.” 

He waves in agreement before turning on his heel. I wonder if he is alright with Shin-ah and I traveling alone together. Still, I am glad he is staying behind for a little while longer. It will be the saving grace Ma will need when I am gone for good these first few days. 

Gi-gan looks a little pale as I set the platter down on the low table before her. Her usual shawl is replaced by a heavier one in a beautiful dye that is somewhere between a blue and green in hue. Her wrinkled face is calm, but I know just like me, the grief of parting lingers not so far below the surface. My heart aches, and I cannot find the words to speak. It seems my own misery for leaving is not so well hidden as I thought it was a moment before. 

I move to pour us some tea with shaking hands, but neither of us drink a single drop. She moves her hand over my own not long after I sit back against my cushion on the floor, and the gentle squeeze she gives there has me weeping. I cannot bare to lose another mother. How will I ever be alright knowing I sacrificed taking care of her for want of my own gain? 

“I've been praying all night for you.” She says calmly. “For both of you. May the heavens shine on you, child. They know you deserve this as much as I do.” 

I can only make a strangled sound of agreement. There are so many things I want to say to her, but it feels there will never be enough time in the world to say them. How did you thank someone for loving you when you could not love yourself? How did you ever find the words to tell someone who had held you when you cried in despair, who cheered for you when you found the strength to take even the tiniest step in the right direction, and who sat beside you with motherly compassion when you were so disgusted with yourself that you could not even stand to see your reflection for one moment? 

She comes to hold me, and I sob onto her shoulder. I do not want this to be goodbye forever, but my heart constricts as I realize it may very well be so. I do not wish to be happy while she suffers and fades away to the world beyond this one. I do not want to live my life knowing I have forsaken her. The guilt threatens to keep me here. If she begged me to stay, I know I would not have the heart to say no. 

As badly as I'm sure she wanted to, Gi-gan does no such thing. “I hope your soul finds what it has been looking for all this time. Please know that mine has found peace and forgiveness when you loved me as any blood child I could have sustained into adulthood. You are my child, Ming-Hua. Despite the fact that you may not have come from my womb, you have and will always be my daughter.” 

“And you,” I sob while I hug her tighter. “Will always be my mother. I love you, Gi-gan, more than the sea is deep or the sky is vast.” 

She holds me a little closer, and we sit crying into each other's embrace for only heavens know how long. It feels as though the strength I have held will begin to waver the moment I step out of her arms. She has been my rock- my strong supporter in the years I have spent here in Awa. My recovery would not have possible or this permanent without her. I would have been a shell or dead if she had not saved me from myself. I owed her so much. It felt as though I was shorting her of so much happiness by greedily securing my own with Shin-ah. 

We pull away to wipe at our eyes. I think that Gi-gan will shoo me away but she presses a kiss to head as I dip to dab my nose with the top edge of my simple jeogori. “Be happy my child. Let the heavens out pour their mercy onto you and Shin-ah on this trip you take together. I always knew he would come back for you.” She smooths my hair under one of her wrinkled hands. “Awa was not the place you were intended to settle. This is your destiny.” 

“But-” 

“No buts.” Her rebuttal is stern but kind. “Let us both cherish the time we've had together. We will meet again. Maybe not in this lifetime, but we will meet again.” 

I nod, but I cannot say anything. Her last comment has me withdrawn. Even she knows that this may very well be our last meeting on this earth. 

Still, her heartfelt blessings warm me, and I lift my head to give her a small smile. Her wrinkled face lifts at the silent understanding my look offers, and in that moment, the guilt of leaving melts under her reassuring nod. Everything will be alright. As long as I have her approval, I know I have made a good decision in following Shin-ah. 

“You shouldn't keep that young man of yours waiting any longer.” The comment is stretched out over the time it takes her to stand slowly to her feet. Her hands move to readjust her shawl, and I can subtly see that she is trembling. Whether it is of sickness or sadness, it's hard to tell. “You must take advantage of this beautiful weather as much as possible.” 

I follow her to the front of the house where Shin-ah and Jae-ha are having a quiet conversation of their own. They suddenly hush as we come into view, and for a moment, it feels as though we have impeded on a very important discussion. But when Jae-ha's lips lift into a devilish sort of smirk, I can't help but think maybe they were just passing time while the two of us had our heart-to-heart farewell. 

“Already done, ladies?” The green-haired man cocks his head to give me a look. “My, my! That was much faster than I thought it would take!” 

“Moron.” Gi-gan answers for me. “Quit your teasing for one moment so I can make my peace with these two.” 

He salutes her playfully, but I know he means to respect her command. “Anything for you, Captain.” 

She waves me away to speak quietly with Shin-ah for a few moments. I keep my eyes glued to the clear azure sky as their voices rise and fall in some unknown conversation. Part of me wonders what Gi-gan is saying, or what Shin-ah is telling her in response, and my curiosity gets the best of me until I can no longer avert my attention elsewhere. 

But it seems the conversation has already come to an end by the time my gaze returns. Shin-ah has dipped his head so that Gi-gan could press a motherly kiss to his brow as well. There is a sudden clenching of my throat at the obvious blessing she's given to us both and the tears prick my eyes to know he feels the extent of her wishes as well. 

He stands to his full height again with a smile tugging at his lips, and it's clear he's as warmed by the gesture as anyone could be. His eyes drift over to me, and the look warms even more as I meet his gaze. His hand lifts to beckon me to his side, and my feet immediately begin to walk the short distance to his side. 

Gi-gan snorts as I stop with a little nervous fidget just beside him. I know she can clearly read into the awkwardness between Shin-ah and myself, but I'm glad when she says nothing and shoos us away with a wave of her hand. He turns to look at me and jerks his head in the direction leading away from her house. I nod my understanding and give Gi-gan one last, long gaze before following behind him. 

I hear Jae-ha's voice filtering in through the silence as I continue on, and my heartache alleviates just a little to know that she will have him to care for her in the days when our parting will sure to leave her in a terrible state of mind. The green dragon warrior has never been my favorite person, but he is a good man. He will watch over Gi-gan well in the time until he too must depart. 

There's a gathering of people at the gates of Awa that I hadn't anticipated. Most are sailors that had become like family to me over the years I had been integrated within Gi-gan's crew, though most now had settled and had families of their own. Lord Mu-Dan is also present, looking round and only mildly attentive to the crowd gathered all around him. I had hoped to escape a lengthy goodbye, but it looks as though the people of this place will not let me go without their blessing. 

“We won't keep you for long.” Mu-Dan seems to know that time is of the essence for our journey, and I'm glad I won't be forced to sit through some long-winded talk for formality's sake. “On behalf of Awa, I wanted to thank you for the time and effort you've put into bringing joy and hope to these people. Your service has always been appreciated, and I would like to bestow a token of my gratitude.” 

He gestures to someone behind him, and the governor is soon holding a small, pristine-looking box in his hands. He opens it to reveal what seems to be a hair adornment of the highest caliber. The background of the pin is gold and it is embellished with large sea pearls, metal ornaments, and glass flowers that must have taken long hours to intricate create, let alone set for this accessory. I'm speechless for a few moments. They had this made just for me? 

I take the box with my head dipped reverently towards the ground. “Thank you. I will cherish this precious gift for all of time. It was my humble honor to serve Awa as I have. This place will always be my home.” I lift my head to look at the crowd with a small smile. “In my heart, this place is where I wish to return.” 

The others are crowding around me now and I'm distracted as they offer me wishes for a life full of prosperity and love. Shin-ah appears to have been pulled aside by Mu-Dan after taking the gift from my hands, and I think he's getting his own thanks for what he's done for the country and the honor he's brought to Awa by visiting. It's hard to do anything but smile and nod my gratitude as voice after endless voice regards me with praise and prayers. I have been far too lucky to be in this beautiful place with all these wonderful people. 

Once everyone's settled down, we finally begin our walk up the seaside cliffs onto the trail that leads away from Awa. I take as many deep breaths of the sea-scented breeze as I can and try to ingrain as many long looks of the port with the ocean just beyond until my eyes are burning with tears and one more look will have me bawling in remorse. Leaving has always been such a terrible business on my behalf. Life was all about change, wasn't it? But how could it ever be easy when you became attached to people and the place you were at in the long journey of things? 

“Sorry.” I'm not sure if I'm apologizing to Shin-ah for being so melancholy minutes into our departure or to the city I am now gaining more and more steps away from. 

He makes a sound that reassures me he doesn't think the worse of me for being a walking wreck. “It is a painful goodbye to make. You made an imprint on this place. They have cherished you and you them in turn.” 

I only give a half-aware hum of agreement as my throat constricts. It's a little alarming how easily my feet tread along beside him as he leads his steed on calmly, but that's when I realize why. All this time, we've been walking the all too familiar route back to the shrine. My heart jumps to the front of my rib cage. Why were we going along this route instead of the one that cut through the forest more to the northwest? 

The answer comes as all the shrine maidens wait patiently in the space just before Jinju Shrine with the two guards on duty for the day. Jung is at the front, smiling gently at me and my blue-haired companion as we continue to shorten the distance. She looks as regal as any Ji-un could with her hair pulled back and the staff held calmly in one of her hands, and I'm reminded yet again that I have made the right decision leaving her in charge. 

“We didn't think it right to let you leave without a parting gift of own.” She clarifies as I stop with a half-confused smile to the group. I blink as she extends the staff out to me and gape as the realization dawns on me. I shake my head and attempt to push it back out towards her, but she nudges it back with a small laugh. “Please, Ming-Hua. This wood has held the imprint of your hands for many years. It is your staff to carry in this lifetime, not mine. We will have another one made for me when it is needed. Please take this one and remember how cherished you are to this shrine.” 

It seems rude to refuse it, even though I know I do not deserve such a weighty present. The girls are pushing away tears as my hands shakily slide around the staff and take it from Jung's hold. I'm restraining my own, but not very well it seems, when a few slide down my cheeks. 

“We'll all pray that your journey is pleasant and full of as little hardship as possible.” She gestures to the others behind her before clasping her hands demurely before her. “Take care, and be sure to pray for us in turn as we begin on a new journey as well.” 

She dips into a bow, and all the girls soon follow suit. Even the two guards- chubby Masato and that always smiling Ko- have lowered their head in a reverent sort of salute to me. I hold my emotions back with some force, knowing that if I break down now, it will not be a proper image for these girls to remember me by. Even if I was no longer their leader, I still had to act as though I was. 

The girls break to give me one last hug or to whisper one last reassuring comment or thanks into my ear, and I hug them all tightly as they come, loving them like sisters for the time we spent in each other's company. Masato's blubbering into his arm, and I can only smile as the other guard tries to calm him. He's speaking to Shin-ah now a few feet behind me, and the other man gives a calm agreement to whatever question the still sobbing man posed. 

We're off after what seems to be another half-hour set back, and this time, I know there will be no more unplanned stops for the day. Shin-ah says nothing as we walk along down the path that wraps back around to the main road away from Awa. Maybe he sees that I can no longer contain my tears as we continue on at a decent pace and does not wish to disturb my grieving. I know that he cares even if he does nothing; Shin-ah has always been the type to respect your space when you required it most. 

Ao seems to think otherwise as we continue on and helps herself down from her spot on the horse's saddle blanket to clamber over my shoulder. She rubs her chubby, furry face against my cheek with a small chirp of concern and I can only laugh in between the last of my tears to have the squirrel so attentive to me. She was the first thing of comfort I found in the group when I first joined. Even now, when my heart was heavy and it felt as though the worse was yet to come, the little creature comforted me in ways a human never could. 

There's a small stop at midday to rest out feet and have a break. We've made decent progress for this short into the trip; we're bound to hit a nearby settlement by this evening if our pace remains constant. I have no idea if that's where we will be stopping or if we will be continuing on. As of now, there is nothing of certainty except our destination. 

Shin-ah stops the gray speckled mare and ties her reigns to a low lying branch while I settle down against the tree's trunk. The walk hasn't bothered me much so far. In the time I've spent in Awa, I'd always been on my feet going from one place to the next, so this prolonged journey will not tax my system too greatly. 

The memories of the city now a half day's journey away from me hit me with some force, and I hate that the weepy feeling in my chest will not seem to fade. How sad. In all these years, part of me believed that my emotions had become a little more stable, but today had proved that notion was false. One false move and I would break down so terribly this trip would prove to be naught when Shin-ah was forced to return me to Awa. 

“Here.” I jerk my head up to see him extending a water skin down to me. He nudges it a little closer when he sees he now has my attention. “Drink.” 

I take it into both of my hands and give him a grateful smile. “Thank you.” 

He nods before moving back to grab something else from the saddlebags. I listen to him dig around with a set of muted thuds and clanking items while taking a sip of the sweetened traveler's drink I remember having from time to time as a treat in the city. Water was always hard to get by, and equally as suspicious or dangerous when the source was unknown. Better to drink a boiled concoction with a slight amount of alcohol and spices than to risk catching a deadly illness from contaminated supplies. 

Shin-ah returns to sit nearby. My eyes are glued to what appears to be a map in his hands, and I silently watch as he consults it with a few sweeping glances of his aurous eyes. He nods once or twice to some silent conversation he's having with himself in his mind, and I can barely restrain my giggles to see him reassuring himself of the route we'll be taking from here on out. 

He notices that I'm peeping a moment later and lays the map flat so that I can see what he's envisioning in his head. “Getting to the capital is a long journey. Ten days or more if taken calmly. Seven if more abrasively rushed.” 

“I see.” I'm scanning the map. It seems so odd that the northwestern line that runs almost in a straight diagonal from Awa up to Hiriyuu Castle and the city around it will take that long. “And I suppose ours will be the longer of the two?” 

He nods. “There is a more scenic route that can be adjusted to take as long or short as possible.” His finger moves to trace an almost snake-like trail onto the map. I blink; it seems to take us in every direction save for northwest until the latter half. “But,” He traces the more direct route I've been envisioning. “It can be reconnected to the main roadways with ease.” 

“So I guess it means we have the power to do as we please.” I muse, only to realize how that could sound if taken in another direction than what I meant it. “N-not that I think we should, but it's nice to know there's no one path that needs to be followed.” 

He hums. “I agree.” 

He gestures for the water skin, and I give it to him with a growing smile. His eyes are on the forest now thick all around us, and I wonder what or who it is he is thinking of. The man's been reserved for the whole trip. When coupled with his obvious reservation in Awa, I can't help but remember that there's something he's hiding from me. 

I shake my head when he turns to offer me the water skin again. He places it on the ground between us so that he can lift his hand to my face. There's a small amount of recoil on my end at the sudden touch, but I sit calmly as his fingers gently slide against my swollen eyelids and cheeks. 

“They probably look worse than it actually feels.” I reassure him gently. “Or am I wrong?” 

“Hm.” He retracts his fingers away slowly. “You're still beautiful, regardless.” 

My heat hammers as the brazen compliment hits me. Gods, this man. How easily those words seem to slip from his lips even when he remains so aloof! I want to believe that they mean what I hope they do, but I am not naïve enough to think he could love me as deeply or as long as I had. My only prayer is that he would tell me soon so I would know once and for all. 

We take up our journey after a few more minutes of awkward silence, and I can't help but feel a pinch of irritation in my chest at the walls he's always been so good at hiding himself behind. After all this time I thought he would have come to lay his heart bare to me the very moment we reunited to save us from playing this guessing game of emotions, but it seemed for whatever reason I couldn't understand, he decided to keep his heart to himself and leave me holding my barely healed one tightly in my outstretched arms. 

The sky has already turned a deep orangish-red by the time we reach the decent sized village to the northeast of Awa. My nose is immediately bombarded with the smell of roasting meats and the subtle scent of animals not far behind it, and it is unfamiliar. The scent of salt, fish, and bustling markets of the port are what I have been used to for so long, and knowing that such a smell will be rare in the days to come makes me quiet in ways I can't say are enjoyable. 

Shin-ah gestures for me to wait outside a small inn of sorts with the horse while he ventures indoor. People have been giving us looks since the moment we've stepped into the town, but I can understand why. A tall, handsome man with eyes the color of liquid gold holding the reigns to an obviously well-cared for mare with a woman following to his other side with a staff in one of her hands and a squirrel soundly asleep on her shoulder are sure to be a source of side-long glances or double takes for the common person. We stood out. We had always been an oddity. 

He returns a few minutes later with a younger man in tow, who takes the reigns of the horse from me with a polite greeting and courteous nod of his head. Shin-ah's taking my bag and another away before the guy can take the mare to a stable nearby. His eyes only linger on me for a moment before he nods his head in the direction of the inn as a cue to follow him inside. 

I manage a quick hello to a middle aged man and his wife who are talking quietly behind a greeting desk of sorts before follow Shin-ah down a hallway. He's walking into an opened doorway, and I step in to take in what appears to be our room for the night. It is simple, but well-cared for, with a low table and a few candles left for the evening in worn brass holders. But the thing that catches my eye is the sleeping arrangement. 

“Two beds?” I haven't realized I've said it aloud until Shin-ah turns to look at me. My cheeks flush as I realize how shocked I am, though spirits know it is a huge relief for me. The entire time I was left alone, I worried that there would only be rooms with one simple set of bedding offered here. I had never lain alone with a man. Yes, Shin-ah and I had curled up together a handful of times before all those years ago, but now, we are older and the circumstances were different. 

“Is it not alright?” He says evenly after a moment of quietly searching my face. 

I shake my head to reassure him he's done the right thing. “No, this is perfect. Thank you.” My free hand curls into my robe. “I'm truly grateful.” 

He nods while putting my bag down on the bed closer to the wall, while he puts the other on the bed more near the door. “If anything is not to your liking, tell me. I will always keep my promise to have you comfortable.” 

“You don't need to do anything else.” I reassure him with some energy. “I'm a simple woman. It doesn't take much to have me content.” 

He walks over to my side and places his hand kindly on my head. “I'll fetch us some food. Stay here.” 

I wander around the small space of the room once he closes the door behind him. A small hum departs from my lips as I find the sudden silence unnerving, but the tune soon grows into a fully sung song as I continue to amble absentmindedly from one area of the room to another. The song is one of a weary lover who still waits for her beloved to come and tell her that he has longed for her embrace when evening falls. I know it is for Shin-ah I sing, as foolish and wrong as it is. But I cannot help it. His love is something I have yearned to know since the moment I first laid eyes on him. 

My voice wavers as the end of the song comes, and I do not have the heart to continue singing. It is too painful. The weight on my heart seems almost unbearable in those moments. I miss my life in Awa and the easy pattern of time that once passed between the shrine maidens, my pirate family, and Ma. I missed the sound of seagulls that grew as the day went on, the warm breezes that seemed as abundant as sunshine year round, and the new people and items that came off ships when they docked at our port. 

Why? Why had I squandered it all? For a love that may never be requited? What kind of fool had I become? 

I remove Ao from my shoulder so that I can hunch over on the ground. The screams of anguish and confusion are right at the top of my throat, ready to break out into the open, but I grit my teeth and hold on as the emotions swell. The squirrel has clambered back up from the ground to sit on my thighs, squeaking softly as she settled near my stomach. I do not have the heart to push the creature away and tremble all the same as she watches on. 

I know better than to rush myself to be composed, and thankfully, my companion is gone for as long as it takes for me to find my center again. He's followed in by the woman at the desk, who nods her head as she comes to light our candles before excusing herself out for the evening. Shin-ah places a plethora of bowls down on the table between us before beckoning for me to join him there once he sits. 

The warm stew looks appetizing with the thin slices of meat, small rivers of ganjang, and various cooked various vegetables in a spicy broth. There's a ceramic warmer full of rice and another dish full of what looks to be pickled radish, and I move to distribute both as Shin-ah moves away to pour me a cup of some tea that's come alongside our dinner. I return the favor when he's done, and we both nod in respect for our supper before digging in. 

My nose runs as the various levels of spice hit me, but it's a pleasant kind of pain I've gotten used to over the years. There hadn't been much spice, let alone food growing up, so my palette was clearly under-explored until I remained behind in Awa. The port was a great place to try new culinary delights. With the amount of spices and items that got sold in the markets, you could have any amount of sweet, bitter, spicy, or sour experiences as your stomach could tolerate. 

“Is it good?” I lift my eyes from my bowl as his question registers. Perhaps he thinks my runny nose and watery eyes signal I don't like the food, or better yet, it may just be the way I run my chopsticks across the surface of the steaming mixture without any great vigor to devour it. “Tell me plainly.” 

I lay my chopsticks against the top of my bowl so that I can offer Ao a small chunk of the radish she's been trying and miserably failing to eat on the table just beside me. “It's very well-blended. You'll just have to excuse me for being peckish. My stomach isn't used to eating animal protein outside of seafood.” 

He nods, but there's nothing that follows. The atmosphere is awkward- so painfully stretched that I want to groan into my hands. This is not how I envisioned our first evening alone to go. This is not how I imagined any of this trip to work out, but yet again, I'm reminded that this wasn't the circumstances I envisioned them happening under. 

We clean up after the meal and try not to trip over the various items in the room. It's dark now- night has fallen in the span of time we ate and has cast a heavy blanket of darkness over most of the room- but the candles add a good enough luminosity for us to find what we need and have everything settled away. I stub my toe once or twice on one of the legs of the table as I try to hurry myself along, but all in all, I know better than to complain. 

There's a moment of embarrassed confusion as neither of us know our nightly routines. We've both sauntered over to sit on our bedding, but neither of us have budged an inch since then. It feels wrong to turn my back and change into my nightgown with him literally a foot behind me, and I can't help but wonder if he feels my hesitation. 

“Go ahead and change.” His gentle offer assures me that he has. “My back is turned.” 

I'm rustling to get my things for the night ready then, but there's still a moment where I pause. Not that I think that he is the type to peep when he's assured me that he won't, but I feel a little nervous all the same. He's already seen my body all those years ago when I almost drowned at the waterfall. It was a night I'll never forget. Who would, when it reassured me that he had been the one I had been wishing to be my soul-mate? 

My hands are swift to remove my robe and skirt with efficiency, and the task of putting on my nightgown is done in a matter of moments. I look down at my body only for a few moments, frowning as the scars I have accumulated over the years seem to stand out in the candlelight. Even now, they kept me at bay from living a normal life. 

I hold my brush securely in my hands and clear my throat. “You can change now. I'm finished.” 

My back remains turned as he begins shuffling through his things to ready himself for bed. I busy myself with brushing my hair slowly, knowing that my heart is pounding far too quickly for me to be remotely calm. I could see the smooth ivory muscles rippling across his shoulders and back as he lifted his tunic over his head. My cheeks burn as the vision lingers. Fool. Is this all you can think of? 

He's done much faster than I imagine, and the rustling of the bedding behind me signals that he has finished. I don't turn for some time and continue brushing my lengthy locks until they are smooth and soft from the tortoise shell comb running repeatedly through them. It reminds me of Gi-gan for a moment, and I find myself coming to a sudden halt as the calming movements now choke me with homesick tears. 

I place the comb back on top of my bag and lift the blanket over my body as I recline. The floor is cool beneath me and I worry that it will be a chilly evening of tossing and turning on my behalf. My lips curl into a heavy frown. The last thing I needed was a sleepless night with a full week of journeying ahead. 

“Shin-ah?” I whisper into the silence, afraid that he's already fallen asleep. The room is hushed, and I can barely discern if his breathing has regulated to a slow, deep intake yet. He gives a half-aware sound of question in return, and I giggle into my hands to know I've caught him on the verge of sleep. “Are you warm?” 

“Yes.” He yawns. “Why? Are you not?” 

I give a hesitant hum. “I'm a little chilly.” 

He's silent for a moment. I know there isn't anything he can do about it- not now when night has fallen and we have no way of asking for extra items. He'll just calmly assure me that I'll have to manage until morning. After all, what else could he really say? 

“My cloak is over here if you wish to use it.” He offers kindly. “And my blanket is always available to be shared if need be.” 

I'm warm now, thanks to the embarrassed flush seeping over my skin. Spirits, this man is far too kind! To offer me his cloak as well as his bedding? I would have never though such a compassionate offer would leave his lips. 

“I'll be fine.” I reassure him softly. “Good night.” 

“Good night.” 

It's hard to fall asleep with my heart hammering in my ears. It's hard to think of pleasant dreams when my heart is aching and nothing, not even sleep, will soothe its cries. Part of me wants to cross the foot of space between my bedding and Shin-ah's and have him hold me until the worries melt under his warmth, but I know I wouldn't. For now, I would brace sleeping alone and hold onto my heart for one more day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always, thank you to everyone who is reading this fic. Unfortunately, I may have to take a short hiatus for personal reasons. Writing doesn't come to me like it used to. I think I've lost my spark.


	5. Premonitions

The next two days of travel pass by under an almost routine schedule. After leaving from whatever town we had settled in the night before, we would continue on our way to the next village on our itinerary. Sometimes we walked by foot or other times we went on horseback to cut into a larger distance as need be, and the journey is interrupted only by any stops our bodies dictate are necessary. The forest thickens then breaks from time to time as we continue to approach the rolling vales in the middle of the country, and I take in the differing scenery with a quiet sense of awe. 

Our awkwardness, unfortunately, has not lifted much, if at all. Shin-ah keeps to himself as much as possible, though he will break the silence to see how I'm faring or to point out something in the distance. Sometimes the silence is unnerving so I force myself to do something, whether it be merely to hum a ditty that keeps pace with our movements, or to tell a story of something that had happened in the years we had been apart. 

I end up recounting my memories about a night a terrible storm had come from sea to hit Awa with some force, and how the following morning a large rainbow had spanned from one side of the infinite sea to the other that still took my breath away to this very day. It had been such a powerful bout of gusts, rain, and monstrous waves that destroyed many ships and cost more than enough people their lives. I hoped another such thing stayed away from the port city as long as possible. 

My dreams that night seem to focus on those fears, and I'm lost in horrible scenes of an even greater storm hitting the port. I can see the people of Awa getting taken down by gigantic, angry waves that surge up from the turbulent sea. Their screams echo in my ears as I remain just a stoic passerby, and as much as I try to scream to have them hurry away from the pelleting rain that surge down from the sky in blinding sheets, the horrid scene continues on until I wake with a start. 

I'm struggling to catch my breath as I smooth my hands over my sweat-drenched face. I tell myself that is just a dream, but even I know that it is only so for now. The tears stream down my face and I scream into my hands as the horrible images of bodies being crushed under the ocean's might continue to replay themselves mercilessly within my mind. 

A pair of arms comes to wrap gently around me, and I jolt as the sudden feeling of another person floods over me. I then remember Shin-ah has been sleeping in the same room as me, and I'm immediately guilty for waking him. My screams must have not been only within my dreams, and I worry that he too has suddenly been jerked from some much needed sleep this evening. 

But when he smooths my hair back under one of his hands and holds me so tenderly with the other, I know he worries more for me than he does for himself. 

“Shhh.” He whispers calmly while continuing his calmative movements. “It's alright.” 

I clutch my hands into his tunic as my body begins to reel from the anxiety and fear still running their course through my veins. It's hard to believe him for a few moments, but as his warmth invades, I began to subtly return my breathing and heartbeat to a normal level. After a few more minutes, I'm breathing deeply, and the debilitating panic seems only a bad dream itself. 

“Better?” He asks only after I've been calm in his arms for another span of minutes. I can only nod my head gently. My throat feels raw from however many shrill screams that nightmare brought with it; I am too weary to speak. “Are you sure?” 

Another nod. It'll be hard to fall sleep again, but at least the panic from before is over. It won't be the first night I've had to lay awake after having terrible dreams. There had been more than enough to count over the last few years and this in comparison is almost mild to many of those. 

I shake my head as visions of those horrible memories intermixed with new terrors threatens to take hold of me. He's smoothing my hair again- I guess he knows that I'm still a little too unstable to be completely calm. My hold on him softens, and soon, I'm leaning my weight completely into him, wishing for him to make me forget every horrible thing I've seen and have yet to see on this earth. 

He leans me back into the bedding, and I hold tight to him, knowing I do not wish to be freed from his tranquil embrace just yet. He's laying only a few inches beside me with one of his arms wrapped protectively around me while the other smooths the locks that have fallen across my cheek back over my ear in a never-ending cycle. One of my arms is comfortably placed along the contour of his chest, allowing my hand to gently rest on the bottom edge of his jaw. The other is curled into a gentle fist against his chest and it moves every time he takes a slow inhale or exhale. 

I find myself focusing on the warmth of his body so close to my own and his regulated breathing that rhythmically fills the silence of the room all around us. My own breathing soon echoes his, and within minutes, I fall back to sleep without realizing it. There are no more dreams, and for the first time since having a nightmare, I'm able to sleep until morning. 

Shin-ah is nowhere to be found, however, when I do crack my eyes open. The bedding has been pulled back over my reclining form, and for a moment, it seems as though the whole ordeal from the night before has only been a figment of my imagination. But my skin knows, as does my heart. He held me close and would not allow me to suffer my demons alone. Shin-ah had always been that way. He protected me even when he couldn't protect himself from the monsters within his own mind. 

I can't help but wonder if they still plague him. Only a fool would believe that they up and disappeared all together; once you lived through some sort of trauma, it haunted you forever like a second shadow. Still, he was much stronger than I ever had been, and I knew his walls to be a dense as ever. The adoration I felt for him fell slightly as the realization of being barred from knowing him fully settled like rain into my veins. 

The door to the room creaks open some time later, and I look away as he steps in with a look of concern on his face. Of course he would still be worried. He knew better than to do otherwise. 

He closes the distance between us to kneel beside me. One of his hands comes to slowly cup my chin so that he lift my face to meet his searching gaze. Those beautiful eyes- gods, I would never get used to the metallic spectacle that enraptured me each and every time they met my dull gray ones- sweep from one edge of my face to another before he releases his hold on me. 

“You're pale.” His observation comes after he settles a little more comfortably on the floor behind me. 

I sigh. “Nothing to be truly concerned with, I can assure you. It's usually what happens when I have less than pleasant dreams.” 

“You need a day to relax.” He decides regardless of hearing me tell him I was alright. Part of me is warmed that he wishes to let me rest, but I know that it isn't right to stop here for such a petty reason. “Go back and sleep. There is no rush to continue on when you are unwell.” 

“I'm perfectly fine.” I reassure him. “So please, let us not stop here.” He's looking at me as if he doesn't believe me, and I sigh before continuing. “I promise that if I am in need of a break or a day of no traveling, I'll tell you straight. We need to be honest with each other.” I lower my eyes as the uneasy feeling hits me. When would he finally admit to hiding something to me all this time? “Don't you agree?” 

“I do.” His voice is hushed. My chest constricts. Finally he would speak his mind! But instead, he stands to his feet and releases a small yawn. “Let me fetch you something to eat and we can resume our journey when you are ready.” 

I can't help but feel angry, hurt, and humiliated. He is playing me. I know it. Gods, was it really such a horrible thing to keep away from me? If he didn't love me, he shouldn't toy with me. He knows that I have been waiting for him. That wearing his necklace, carrying this love that had been as much a joy as it had been a burden, and my desire to travel with him alone haven't meant anything to him. It hurts so badly I feel sick to my stomach. I want to hate him, but I can't. I just can't. 

My hand lifts to the necklace and I tremble as I unclasp it from my neck. I want to chuck it against the wall as I stomp my feet like an ill-tempered child, but my fingers merely curled around it until the beads are cutting into my skin. All I can see is the way he calmed me last night and I'm fighting back tears. It's maddening. I did not know how much longer I could take this. 

Shin-ah returns a little while later with a steam bun full of some dried meat and various seasoning and a jar of some sort of fermented tea. He places them on the table and moves away while I come to sit at the low table to eat. My mouth barely distinguishes any of the major flavors as I eat or drink in a reserved sort of silence. His necklace is now laying hidden in the folds of my nightgown leaving an added warmth that seeps through the thin material and onto my thighs. 

He's moving to the door, and I feel I cannot restrain myself back any longer. I get back up and he stops. There's a edge of something in his eyes, but I'm having trouble differentiating one emotion from another as the look ultimately remains blank. He's a good liar. I hate that I never could be. 

“Here.” I hold the necklace back out to him. He looks down at it, then back up at me, but his expression doesn't budge an inch. “I think I've held onto this long enough for you. You've come back. There's no need for me to be in possession of it any longer.” 

He shakes his head and pushes his hand against my own until it is no longer outstretched in the space between us. “I have no need for it. It is yours.” 

The bitter words are jumping to my lips, but I do not have the heart to speak them. I curl my hand against my chest and try to calm my erratic heartbeat. Nothing he has said so far has given me any hope. All these touches... All those tender, beautiful moments...What was his goal? To woo me until we safely reached Hiryuu Castle and I was deposited into someone else's care? Then why? Why even ask me to travel alone with him if he knew being solely in my presence did not stir him one way or another? 

He must have found another love or realized how foolish it was to pursue me. I dip my head as he leaves the room a few moments later without hide nor hair of when he will be back. This feeling is disgusting. How dreadful it was to love someone with no hopes of ever seeing it requited. Was this our fate all along? Had the wish Chiao-Xing had made a thousand years ago really been for naught? 

I'm surprised that I keep my tongue for the rest of the day on the matter, but as Shin-ah stops so that we can mount Dalja for the rest of the journey, that restraint vanishes just as quickly as the fair weather we've been having. The sky has darkened with rain clouds in the last hour or so of our trip, and I know he worries that we will not reach the next settlement without getting caught in the downpour. But my lungs burn as I realize I have to touch him- have to wrap my arms around him and sit silently with him pressed against me- and there is no way I can hold back any longer. 

“I can't.” My voice is strained when it comes in between pained breaths. The tears are pooling my eyes. I'm lost in a blur of emotions I know is dangerous, but they've been boiling all day long and I cannot suppress them a moment longer. “I-I can't do this anymore.” 

He's silent. I doubt he understands my sudden meltdown, nor do I think he really cares. My stomach is so angry it feels like a volcano, and the sickening pain that accompanies it only adds to my miseries. 

“How can you be like this?!” I'm sobbing into my hands, so angry that I'm being so childish. I told myself over the years of him staying away to let this love go, and now, I hate myself for sustaining it. “Why did you even come back for me? Why didn't you leave me where I was happy? Don't you love me?” I'm sobbing so loudly now it's echoing in the glen all around us. “Did you ever love me?” 

He's tied the horse up so he has both arms free to lead me over to sit against a tree. I snap at him not to touch me once I've settled, and he removes his hands and holds them in truce while I wail uncontrollably. I curl my arms over my knees and tremble as the wave of emotions renders me helpless. It's the first time in many, many years that I've repressed my feelings to the point of a complete meltdown. It's embarrassing, but I know that if I did not spill my heart now, I might do much worse at a later point. 

There's a crack of lightning from the ominous sky above us, and a whistling wind sends the branches of the trees quivering in every direction as it speeds the storm over us. Dalja gives a nervous whinny from her spot somewhere behind me, and a large rumble of thunder shakes the ground beneath my feet not longer afterward. Shin-ah still remains silent. But I know he cannot do so for much longer unless he wishes to lose my faith forever. 

“You've known.” He declares after a moment. The words are forlornly saddened. It is the first time I have heard him be so dejected, and it worries me as to what will follow those two words. “For a while, about our past life together. Haven't you?” 

I'm shocked. My chest hurts as does my head. He knew too? For how long? 

“I have.” I confess solemnly. “Are you angry... that I never told you all those years ago?” 

He makes a gruff noise of disagreement. “No. Because there is something I know that you may not.” 

That is more than enough to have me jerk my head to look at him in disbelief. His haunted features are only even more ghastly as the dreary background of the incoming storm pans them. Those eyes- oh gods, how tormented they look in those moments. It could rip your heart to shreds. It was already doing so with mine. It's clear that this terrible revelation is what he's been working so diligently to keep away from me, and I'm frightened out of my wits. 

“What,” I can barely find the words. The muscles in my throat are burning. It's hard to breathe as the horror settles grotesquely under my clammy skin. “What is it?” 

He turns his head away ashamed, but not a word emerges from those pursed lips. My galloping heartbeat only races further. It must be torturous indeed for him to hold back after admitting such a colossal truth upon my head. 

“I killed you.” The words are followed by an even sharper clap of lightning. Rain is beginning to seep through the trees, but despite the drowning noise they bring with them, those three horrible words boom inside my ears as if he had screamed them from the top of his lungs. “I am the reason you died that millennium ago." 

“T-the dragon blood,” He's continuing on now, his eyes wide in maddened remembrance as I watch on frozen from my spot on the ground. His hands have lifted to press into his scalp, and he looks so distraught- so guilty- I wonder how terrible it must have been for him to remember that weighty pain now a thousand years old. “It cannot last within one generation and be passed onto the next. W-when the next warrior was growing as a child, I-” His fingers and tightening into his hair with painful intensity. His vision is staring at somewhere far beyond the glen getting mercilessly battered by the deluge of fat rain droplets from the angry sky above us. “I went mad. And used my powers on you when y-you came to calm me. I can see it.” He's huffing for air now. It's becoming unbearable. For him, and for me too. I'm sick to my stomach. What a burden- what horrific guilt to be reincarnated with. All because of me, he's been forced to remember this tragic end? “Y-your dying body. The child within you dead before birth. I can't-” His voice breaks and he's falling to his knees in defeat. “I can't do that to you again.” 

I know what he speaks is the truth. Over the years, I've regained all of Chiao-Xing's memories- the good, the cruelly unjust, and the terribly sad. Those visions of my last breath, the horrid loss of feeling in my body until I pass into a never-ending darkness, and a stillborn child so purple and tiny against my chest were enough to scare me witless when I first had them. I wonder if this whole wish had been a farce knowing that. How could you love the very person who ended your life? How could you bear another lifetime of endless suffering when remaining apart forever would keep such a fate from ever reoccurring? 

But as my heart bleeds for him, I know the love she felt was the kind that continued on regardless of being forced to live a life that knew more sorrow than joy. She loved that first Blue Dragon Warrior as fiercely and as deeply as I loved Shin-ah. Even knowing that such an end awaited me did not faze that endearment. It made it grow a hundred-fold. 

I'm fighting my way against the blinding sheets of rain and through the muddy ground between us until I can wrap my arms around him. He jolts at the tender touch, but he is soon sobbing like a child as I lean my head against his shoulder and whisper that I love him over and over again. His arms come to crush me into his chest, and he's blubbering that he's sorry for a plethora of things he must have held deep within him for many, many years. 

“How can you love me?” He whimpers into my rain-drenched hair once his apologies have dried up. His voice is raw- I'm amazed that he can even speak another word. “I'm cursed to harm you- to harm the thing I love more than life itself. My power is already fading.” He's trembling so strongly I feel as though this whole release is dangerous on his system. “One day soon, I may very well kill you the same way you passed in that first life we shared together.” 

Despite his fearful confessions of harm, the one thing that sticks with me is that he loves me. I have waited to hear him say that for so many years. It is the only thing I needed to reassure me that I made the right decision- that this loving burden my soul had carried patiently for a thousand years would be the one thing that sustained us both as we ventured through life together. 

“Even if you do, I will love you as much as I ever have.” I murmur tenderly as I rub soothing circles into his sopping cloak. He's fighting back what sounds like an ugly sob mixed with a choke of disbelief. I'm crying myself, but it's a relieved set of sobs to know that all this time, he has been protecting me from the one thing that could never bring me harm. “I would endure any fate to stay beside you. Let the heavens judge us as they will. Surely we have been tormented enough in this lifetime to appease them. We will be just fine, regardless.” I press my lips against his damp cheek. “As long as I have your eyes to watch me and your heart to sustain me, I have everything I need to be content for all of time.” 

He offers a strangled sound of agreement as he cradles the back of my head with one of his hands. The storm continues to pellet us with gusts of wind and a relentless downpour, but I am warm and safe. There is a heat in my veins that cannot be described. If sunshine could be melted into a person's bloodstream, that would be the very essence of what I was feeling. 

The rain quiets to only a hazy drizzle as the rumble of thunder begins to fade out into the distance, and we pull away to look into each other's faces for the first time since our weighty confessions. His swollen eyelids narrow happily as he smiles, and I find myself mirroring the happy look as he cups my face in his hands. His thumbs tenderly rub back and forth against my cheekbones as I sigh contently at the blissful feeling seeping over my skin. 

“Even soaked mercilessly,” He praises me with a soft chuckle. “You are the most breathtaking creature I have ever laid eyes on.” 

I snort at the sudden compliment, but the warmth his words offer is lost as a powerful shiver overtakes my body. “And I will be a sickly one at that if we remain in these wet clothes for much longer.” 

He removes his hold on me to hurry back to see if any of our packs have been spared from the deluge. I laugh as he mumbles to himself, but I'm so happy I could care less about catching a chill at that moment. He loves me. I curl my hands over my heart and try not to cry as my soul dances in delight. He really, truly loves me. After all these years, it has not turned out to be a lie. 

“Here.” He is dipping beside me with a half-damp robe of his own folded over his arms. “Slip it on quickly.” He offers it to me before pressing a kiss to my brow. “Lest you get ill.” 

“What about you?” I tilt my head to look at him in concern. “Won't you get ill if you don't change?” 

The smile he gives in response has me quivering in place. It's so warm and reassuring even the sun would tremble in delight at the sight of it. I've never seen him look so utterly overjoyed. I hope that it will be a look I receive more often now that the walls between us have crumbled under the power of our loving connection. 

“If you could only feel the warmth surging through every fiber of my being, dear heart,” His smile grows in tenderness as the sudden endearment falls from his lips. “You would understand that I am in no danger of catching a chill.” 

He gestures for me to change again before turning on his heel. I'm speechless as the sudden overflow of love from his behalf hits me, but not long after, I'm grinning like a fool and floating away on these giddy feelings. His robe is large against my body, but I relish in the all too familiar scent the material carries. 

We take off with some speed on Dalja, cautious of the muddy roads and broken branches that litter the path to the village beyond. Shin-ah is warm as I wrap my arms around his torso and rest my head against his back. Even soaked as he is, I can't help but want to hold him just like this for as many years as the heavens will allow. 

The owner of the inn gapes as we saunter in rain-soaked but smiling from ear to ear and hurries to get us into a candle-lit room for the evening. He promises to have some hot water brought in for us to warm ourselves, as long as a hot meal, and we thank him kindly for being so attentive. Ao has woken from her bed inside my bag and is scampering from one corner of the small room to the next in what appears to be a search for some food. I laugh at the squirrel as she settled with a sound of discontent on the single roll of bedding the tiny room holds, glad that there is no shortage of amusement for the rest of the evening. 

Our meal is a basic one of a boiled egg over rice with some chopped herbs and some fermented soybean sauce. A few pitchers of heated water are brought in alongside some fresh tea, and we thank the inn-keeper graciously for the continued hospitality he offers. He takes the coins Shin-ah offers with a smile, but it is not greedy or meant for some underhanded reason. The genuine concern is something I'm taken off-guard by, and I murmur a quick prayer for this place to be blessed for treating us so kindly when others might not have on such sudden notice. 

“Here.” Shin-ah extends a cup of tea to me. I take it with a tender smile as he settles just beside me. “This will help keep you warm for now. You may use all the hot water to bathe. A quick change and a good meal is all I need.” 

“There's more than enough for both of us to warm our skin.” I reassure him with a sweep of my hand to the two large containers of water. “And you've been the one braving rain-soaked clothing, remember? As warm as you claim to be, I won't let you sneak away from a scrub with some hot water.” 

He somehow tempts me into giving him a quick bath of sorts after crushing a portion of a soapstone we have in our bags. I move the soapy mixture over his torso and shoulders, my face flushing as this comical event suddenly turns extremely intimate. The happy look in his eyes has not faded, but there is a sense of passion there that no longer remains masked from my view. I can feel my insides warming in ways I am unfamiliar with, but I am afraid more so than I am exhilarated. Even after all this time, I dread the weight my body carries. 

Shin-ah notices my introversion and gestures for me to keep the rag in my hands. “I'll turn my back and leave you to bathe in peace.” 

“Forgive me.” I dip my head in shame. It's so hard to know that I may never be able to share my body with him, and that it very well cause him pain one day soon. “Truly, Shin-ah.” 

He shakes his head slowly before turning. “You don't have to apologize to me. Ever. I've understood.. for quite some time... that you may never wish to share your body with me. And I respect that.” 

“But-” 

“No buts.” He reassures me gently. “You are perfect the way you are, Ming-Hua. I will tell you as often as needed.” 

I'm hushed into gratefulness as I scrub my rain-drenched skin and wring out my damp locks. Even after all this time, I could scarcely believe that such an understanding, compassionate man was the one who loved me as dearly as I did him. Perhaps that love would never merge into the realm of something physical, but it would always be the truest, deepest love anyone could ever feel on this planet. 

I don his robe again once I'm finished and scurry the small distance between us to wrap my arms around him from behind. He lifts one of his hands to squeeze my own while simultaneously dipping his lips to press a sweet kiss to my intertwined forearms. My heart flutters at the tender connection. I love him. Oh gods, I love him so much I can barely contain it. 

We eat dinner in a peaceful silence that isn't at all awkward or unnerving. I lift my eyes to look at him more often than not as the meal progresses, and each and every time I do, he's already watching me. Sometimes he gives a lopsided smile in response, but most of the time, he just lets his eyes linger on my own until one of us can no longer take the adoring look and we are forced to look away. My cheeks are burning incessantly, but I find the embarrassment one I would keep for all of time if it meant having him look at me as if the entire world was kept in orbit by our eyes meeting. 

The candle is burning low by the time we ready ourselves for sleep. I've pulled out my comb to do my usual nightly routine of untangling my locks, but Shin-ah slowly slides the item from my hold to begin the task himself. A pleasant shiver travels down every inch of my spine and into my lower belly as he carefully lifts the comb through my long ebony locks; I am too grateful. It feels so wrong to find this true love in my life when I know so many others have deserved such a connection too. 

We lay on our sides and intertwine our hands in the space between us. Shin-ah is watching me again, though the look is one of infinitesimal happiness. My body feels so light under that joyful expression I almost feel as though I am drifting to sleep on a cloud instead of the hard woven floor beneath me. It is strange, how complete and unafraid I am now. This love can withstand anything. It has already endured pain, parting, and panic. Whatever comes our way, we will no longer be there to face it on our own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with another update. Thank you to all who are reading. I hope all of you are taking care of yourselves emotionally, physically, and mentally. I am undertaking that journey myself and I genuinely hope none of you are faring the same. If you are, I believe in you and know we will make it through somehow. As I noted before, updates will be sporadic from this point onward. But I hope to continue this fic whenever possible.


	6. Power

When I awoke, Shin-ah has shifted in his sleep to the point that our bodies are now overlapping. He is snoring gently just inches away from my face, and I feel his chest heave with each long breath against my own with ease. One of his legs has somehow entangled itself between my own to anchor his form as it leans onto my own for support, bringing me so close that I can practically feel every inch of his skin from his neck down to his feet. 

Hence the blush that forms on my face as I groggily realize the warm mass against my lower abdomen is not his other leg also bent upwards, but something else entirely. Odd, how the understanding that his manhood is pressed up against me does not send me into a debilitating state of panic. The human body worked in ways I did not understand. He would never harm me the way I had suffered those seven years ago. In his arms, I was safe and free from being forced to give my body to another human being without my absolute consent. 

This mortifying realization, unfortunately, jars the poor man himself more than it ever did me. It takes him a few groggy moments after waking to realize that his body has already woken in ways that he is not yet conscious of, but when he does note it, he jerks himself away from me to sit staunchly on the far side of the blanket. 

“Sorry.” The solemn apology comes after a nervous breaths. “These things... happen often in the morning.” 

I can't help but feel curious, as wrong or inappropriate as the intrigue may be. “Is it painful?” 

“Don't worry.” He replies evenly. “In a few minutes it will no longer be.” 

I lay quietly and give him a few minutes to recompose himself. Part of me feels guilty that his body obvious feels some level of attraction to my own and wishes to unite the way lovers usually intend to. A little voice within me tells me that he would be gentle and love me the way I deserved. But even that tender meeting could never blot out the horrid stains of being forced to give that connection away to men who never deserved my body in any form or fashion. 

My chest heaves as I ultimately understand why I cannot lay with him. My womb had almost known the child of another man. I could have been a mother to something that had come unwillingly from my own blood and body. He may have known the horrible things the soldiers had done to me, but gods, I did not know what he would think if he knew the horrible mess my womanhood had been put through. 

I curl myself into a ball beneath the blanket and whimper as the guilt hits me. I feel disgusted with myself and angry- gods, so bitterly defeated- that I will never resemble a normal woman. Even years of loving and pining for Shin-ah had not changed that ugly fact. It would be a scar much more gruesome and disgusting than any physical one I carried. 

He smooths my hair under one of his hands but does not make any attempt to touch me any more than that. I let the horrible visions run their course and do not attempt to rush myself to sit up until they have passed. Shin-ah is a little withdrawn, but he knows as well as I do that moments like this will happen when they will. As long as they pass and do not linger like they once did all those years ago, we can move forward. Together. 

The next few days feel as though we have been lovers for much longer than the brief few hours since confessing our love to each other. We are not intimate in public as that would be disrespectful and shameful at our age, but more than enough vendors and inn-keepers alike joke or wink at the “happy couple” as we saunter into their towns. I take the compliments and jokes for a joyful time together as they come. We are happy and in love; nothing in this world could change that. 

Shin-ah seems a little pale one evening as we are nearing the foothills of the mountains that cradle the capital now only a few more days from where we have stopped for the evening, and I worry that he is getting ill. He hasn't spoken much during the day and when we venture out to eat at a restaurant within this more bustling town, it's obvious that even his appetite is being affected. He makes no attempt to reassure me that he's fine, and when he asks for me to sleep a little farther away from him that evening, I do so without question. 

He seems to be asleep when I retire myself for the evening, but I am so afraid that he will break into a fever or be ill the entirety of the night that my sleep is fitful and barely deep enough to keep me tethered beneath its hold. My aching heart wills me to saunter to his side and warm him until morning breaks, but I remain as I am. He has asked me to say away so I do not get ill. I understand his concern and wish to keep my word to him, but it is so terribly hard to let him suffer alone. 

When a groan of anguish breaks through the still air between our reclining forms, I know I cannot be kept away. I think at first that it is just a figment of my worried conscious for leaving Shin-ah be, but when there is another a little louder a few moments later, my stomach drops as I realize this is no bad dream. Oh gods, the poor man. What was going on in his system? 

I lift myself from the ground and look in the direction of his bedding. He's sitting up, rocking slightly in the darkness just a few feet away from me. The stance looks hunched and so uncomfortable that I know he is suffering something much worse than just a mere stomach pain or bout of illness. The tears pool in my eyes as he tries and fails to restrain a scream of pain. How could I even think of letting him suffer alone now that I see the full extent of his ailment? 

I clamber over the bedding and move to place my hand on his shoulder. “Shin-ah, w-” 

The words are lost as a sudden recoil of pain hits me. I'm blinking in shocked stupor until the radiating pain returns across my chest and neck from where he's struck me. The blow has been so strong I haven't even realized that I've stumbled back a few feet. I'm sick to my stomach as my body screams in agony. He's hit with such strength; I've forgotten that beneath his tenderness for me that he is a seasoned warrior whose might has killed people before. 

“Stay away.” He growls in between labored breaths. “D-don't-” 

He can't even finish the phrase as another guttural sound of pain forces it way out of his mouth. I'm having trouble breathing myself- whether it be from the pain or merely from watching him suffering so deeply, I'm having a hard time differentiating why. Still, the one thing I know is that despite his plea, I can't stay away. 

I slowly find my away to his front and wrap my arms around him. His hands are shielding his eyes and they do not fall even when I hold him with whispers to endure this trial- that the pain will be over soon. My eyes are watery as my voice begins to waver as the pain makes me sick again, but as his body begins to tremble and he is soon choking back what sounds like another scream of torturous pain, I would suffer this discomfort a million times over in magnitude if it would stop his suffering at this very moment. Oh gods, couldn't you see that he had already suffered enough in this lifetime? 

The pain does not pass for some time, but when it does, I am crying in grateful relief. He drops his hands and cradles me against him, still a little too winded by the ordeal to speak anything. His body begins to tremble after a sudden gasp leaves his lips, and he dips his head to whimper against my scalp. 

“Oh gods.” He sounds so ghastly as those two quivering words leave his lips. “W-what did I-” 

“Shh.” I attempt to calm him. What's done as been done. There is no need for him to add another painful burden to his already strained spirit. “It's alright, beloved. Just sit quietly and breathe, hm? Your body is taxed. You must stay calm.” 

He does as I ask, but there are a few strangled sounds of defeat as he ultimately remembers what he's done to me. It's hard to breathe easily, but I know that he has not broken any of my bones. A nasty bruise or something similar would unfortunately form, but I would carry any wound, any painful reminder that he continues to suffer until the day I die. 

We lay back down once he's calmed and attempt to stay quietly. It will truly be hard to sleep for both of us, and I know this suddenly sleepless night will prolong our journey by a day or two. Shin-ah needs time to rest and heal. If his powers truly are waning like they appear to be, the last thing he needs to do is provoke them into being used while we are on the road. 

He's fallen into an exhausted sort of slumber closer to when dawn breaks, and I lay watching him sleep calmly for a few minutes. I press a kiss to his clammy brow before sauntering away to get dressed. We need some tea and food to offer him as his body wakes from its recuperative sleep. We will remain behind here for the day and take up our journey once I am assured that Shin-ah is well enough to take up the strain of traveling again. 

Though I wonder if I'll be fit for traveling myself. The bruise is already beginning to bloom against my chest in an ugly array of deep purple patches that almost look black on my slightly tanned skin. It's still a little hard to breathe deeply without having a searing pain ripping through my torso, but I know that this is nothing in comparison to what this body has suffered before. 

I make myself useful in the time I'm away from Shin-ah. The inn-keeper doesn't seem to mind letting us have the room for another day and takes the money for our prolonged stay without any inclination as to whether he cares for the continued business or not. I hurry out to the inn's stable just behind it to tell one of the stable-hands that we will need fodder and water for Dalja again today. While he is mucking her stall for another day's use, I calm myself by stroking the mare's velvety nose and telling her that everything will be alright. 

There's a soup shop in the district around the inn, and I opt for a simple broth made from ox bones to take back to Shin-ah. My stomach is queasy from a sleepless night intermingled with waves of pain, and I doubt that I will be able to hold down much food for the time being. Not that it worries me in the slightest; I am so preoccupied with caring for the love of my life that I almost forget everything else. 

He is thankfully still asleep when I return, and I sit quietly beside him, stroking his mid-length blue hair under one of my hands in thankfulness. As I smooth my fingers over his sweat-drenched skin, I realize he is a little too warm for comfort, and I move away to dampen a rag to place over his shoulder to curb what appears to be a growing fever in his system. It won't do to have him become even more ill than he already is; it will be far too great of a strain on his already battered body. 

When I return, I'm shocked to see him hazily hold my gaze with one of his eyes. The other is still closed shut, and I worry that the curse of losing his power has already taken the vision from one of his eyes. What a terrible burden to carry. Such great power came with such terrible consequences; he has been forced to live such a life without a choice. 

“It's alright.” I reassure him as his gaze looks at me with such worry. “You just lay and rest to your heart's content. We have this room for a whole other day. Once you are well again, we will take up our trip once more.” 

He reaches a hand to my thigh, and I squeeze it under one of my own while placing the cool rag against his brow. There's a labored breath on his end, and that's more than enough to send Ao scampering away from devouring her portion of the meal I've brought back with me to sit on his chest. The squirrel curls up beside him with a small chirp, and I can only smile as he lifts his other hand to drift his fingers through the creature's fur. 

“See?” I offer with a gentle laugh. “Even Ao is telling you to rest. I will be here beside you, so do not worry about a single thing, hm? What matters most now is that you let your body calm itself after that terrible shock.” 

He opens his lips to say something, but not a single word is managed to be spoken before he is rendered unconscious by his taxed system. The tears prick my eyes as I realize this may be something that needs medical attention. I can't help but wish that Yun was here. The boy had always known what to do in these sort of circumstances; in the years he'd been traveling with the others, I'm sure his medical knowledge and expertise had grown leaps and bounds. 

My mind replays the memories of those days when the teen and I took care of Gi-gan's injured crew, and all the crazy things that happened between then and the day I ultimately remained behind with them in Awa. Before long, I'm yawning as the plethora of images comes to an end. I curl myself against Shin-ah's warm body and tell myself that a brief nap of ten or fifteen minutes a few times today would be all I would need while nursing him back to health. 

But when I wake disoriented and groggy to an afternoon glow filtering in from the boarded window behind my reclining form, that ten or fifteen minute recuperative nap has turned into a few hours of full-on sleep. I'm immediately worried about Shin-ah, but as his gaze meets my own from just a few inches away, I realize that he's been awake for a little while longer than I have. My eyes widen as both of his follow my frantic sweep of his face before they close to keep the tears at bay. Praise the heavens. I was so worried about his sight being compromised that to see that he is able to still use each of those beautiful eyes is an even greater blessing than I could have hoped for. 

“Oh gods.” I whisper once the tears subside. “Thank the stars you're alright.” 

He gives a half-hearted sound of agreement. “Are you?” 

I look down, only to grimace as the ugly bruise has been exposed from the position my loose robe has settled with against my body. “It looks worse than it feels.” My frown grows as his look grows introverted. “Really, Shin-ah. It does.” 

“How can you look at me and say that?” His eyes lower to the floor between us. “I-one day, it could be much worse. I will truly be a monster then.” 

I smooth a hand against the side of his face and hush him gently. “None of this talk. I've told you once all those many years ago and I will tell you again: You are no monster. You are the song of my soul, the warmth of my breath, and the light of my life. I have and will always love you for all eternity.” 

“For eternity?” He echoes with an almost childish sense of disbelief. 

“Yes.” I laugh softly while continuing to stroke his face. “For eternity.” 

He lifts a hand to wrap gently around my wrist. The man's trembling; the tremors slide from his hand down my forearm until ultimately disappearing closer to my shoulder. I cup his cheek and allow him to fight away what is sure to be a strong mix of emotions. It’s hard for him to believe, even after all this time. But who could blame him, after spending almost eighteen years of his life isolated and neglected? 

“I don't deserve such a love.” He whispers mournfully as his grip slackens. “But still, you would offer it to me?” 

I smile tenderly. “Without hesitation.” 

“Thank you.” He whispers. The tremors return, though not as strongly as before. “Truly, thank you.” 

“No need to thank me.” I reassure him with a smile. “In exchange for my heart, you've given me your own. So thank you, too.” My heart is so full of grateful it is hard to speak the utter depths of my gratitude to him. Words will never fully encompass the hope, peace, and compassion his presence brought. “For completing me when the world would have left me to suffer alone.” 

He's closing the small space between us. My breath catches as his face dips towards my own, but it quickly returns with speed as his lips meet mine. It is a tender moment, the way that kiss ebbs into my veins echoing how much he loves me. There is no denying that we are whole together. Our souls have always been destined to interweave to form one being. While it did not mean life would not come without its sorrow or strife, this love pounding in every continued beat of my heart reminds me that it will not end with such things outweighing my happiness. 

Shin-ah pulls always not much later with a content sigh. I'm smiling from ear to ear myself, so giddy with this almost childish glee to know that this will continue on for many years to come. Another parting would not come. He was mine, utterly and completely. While I understood he was bound to serve Yona until one fated event or another occurred, there was no one else to whom he wished to give every ounce of his soul to. He has chosen to give this love freely, as have I. 

We decide to venture out for our evening meal, and it is a comical back and forth as we do our best to impersonate one of our comrades. I'm in tears when Shin-ah dead-pans his way through a perfect rendition of Hak and Ki-ja, and he's chuckling into one of his hands as I mimic Yun's motherly tendencies in return. A lot of the other customers give us a look from time to time, but my cheeks are burning as the insatiable laughter we have been long overdue this day continues on in our lighthearted talk of nothing important. 

But as we return to our room and ready ourselves for bed, I feel Shin-ah's quiet withdrawal stems from something deeper than just his exhaustion. He's combing my hair again; I think this act will be a nightly ritual for us both from now on, and it makes my heart patter with loving adoration to have him attend to me so selflessly. His tender movements soothe me, and I'm smiling at nothing within our room as my back remains turned towards him. 

“Did I ever tell you...” The statement draws out into silence before it is complete. Shin-ah's always been the type to pause and collect his thoughts, regardless of what awkward stops or lengthy gaps occur between on phrase to the next. “That my village is near these parts?” 

I'm not sure what to say. The topic of his childhood and the life he lived before joining the others is one that is as heavy and uncomfortable as my own. I can't help but wonder if this connection to those dark times is what has triggered his painful episode last night. 

Still, I know that him wishing to talk about it of his own will is something healthy for his mind and heart. “No. Tell me more.” 

“It's deep within the caves of the mountains around here.” His voice is steady as are his continued brushing strokes through my hair. “It wasn't always, though. When I was younger... it was in the valley a much farther to the southeast.” 

“What a cold and dark contrast.” I reply honestly. “I would much prefer the valley. How pretty spring must be when it sends golden waves of sunlight over the fields until everything shimmers with a reflection of light.” 

He gives a soft sound of agreement. “It was my favorite season. Ao always preferred the winter, though.” 

“Ao did?” I'm a little shocked. “Really?” 

“Not the squirrel.” He clarifies as the creature gives a sleepy sound in response to the sound of her name. “The Blue Dragon Warrior before me. He was... like a father, I think.” 

“He raised you by himself?” 

“Mhm.” His strokes have slowed, but he continues on all the same. “The villagers always feared us. They rued the day.. another one of us would be born. They lived in constant fear and bitterness that such a curse was theirs to carry.” 

“Ignorant fools.” I mutter, so hurt that Shin-ah has felt such misery and abandonment. Couldn't they see that he never chose such a fate of his own accord? Why hate a child for having powers he too must have been frightened by from the moment of his birth? “They've missed out on knowing the greatest man all because of their own bitterness.” I clench my hands into my robes as the vengeful anger heats my veins. I calm myself with a few deep breaths. Hating them will not change anything that happened. “Anyway, tell me more about Ao. Is he the namesake for our sweet little friend here?” 

“He is.” There is a slight hint of amusement to his voice. “Though they are nothing alike. He was.. brash, loud, and easily angered but...” He softens so quickly I'm afraid I've brought up some memories he did not wish to relive. “He held my hand and loved me in the ways he could.” 

A vision of a much broader set man with blue hair leading around a tiny version of Shin-ah by the hand through a field hits me with such force that I'm blinking back tears. So perhaps his childhood knew some moments of happiness, even if they were few and far between. I send a prayer of thanks up to this other Ao; without that little spark of love, I'm sure Shin-ah would have been in a far darker place than he was already. 

“I wish I could have met him.” I murmur, still a little too choked by emotion to speak levelly. “To give him a hug and to thank him for caring for you the way that he did.” 

“He would have shrugged you off and told you to scram.” There's some humor mixed into his bittersweet response. “But deep down, I think he would have been warmed to know he's left a good imprint on something in this world.” He's quiet for a moment before continuing. “Sometimes I wonder.. if he and your mother are chatting about us up in the heavens.” 

A few of my restrained tears break free and catch on my bottom eyelid. Oh gods. Such a sight was as beautiful as it was heartbreaking. Even now, I missed her more than ever. 

“I hope they are.” My voice is shaking, even despite the deep breath I've taken to calm myself. “Their blessing is one I hope we will always feel when we are together.” 

He wraps his arms around my torso and presses a kiss to the side of my neck. I wrap both of my around his muscular forearms and sway us both gently. How easily he comforts me. To know his embrace and know the depths of his heart seems too good to be true after all the pain. 

“Do you ever wish,” I say quietly after we've broken apart. We've been laying under the bedding for a few minutes, but I doubt either of us will fall asleep soon after such a cathartic conversation. “To return to your village?” 

“No.” He isn't angry or bitter, but the heavy way he speaks his answer signals it is not a lighthearted decision. “Though they have asked me to come back. They've heard of my duty to Yona and begged me to shower them with my good fortune. They wished to give me a wife and have us settle among them.” 

“Truly?” It's hard to envision such a foolish proposal even been conjured in those hateful people. How greedy and wrong it was- asking him back only after he's suffered for this country and been labeled a hero. How could they think that after years and years of pushing him away that he would even dream of thinking of returning to such false acceptance? 

“Yes.” He concurs gravelly. “But you know as I do that once I left, I left for good.” 

I can't help but think of my own resolution to never step foot in my village again. Shin-ah is right. If those scumbags thought for one moment that I would ever go back after working hard to become a person freed from their poisonous hold, they were a brainless bunch indeed. 

“This is what's best.” I reassure him, though I'm sure he already knows. “What I've learned in this lifetime, if anything, is that as strong or as undeniable a bond blood can forge, the connections we purposefully sustain in our lives are infinitely more powerful. A conscious choice will always outweigh compulsory circumstance.” 

He gives an airy laugh. “You are as wise as you are beautiful, Ming-Hua.” 

“Thank you.” I roll over to press a joking kiss to his cheek before settling against him. “And you are as kindhearted as you are steadfast, Shin-ah. I'm sure everyone in our family would attest to that.” 

“Family, hm?” The words rumble under my ear. “Is that what you thought of us all this time?” 

I move my finger in random patterns against the smooth material of his tunic. “You all loved and sustained me regardless of anything, didn't you? If that isn't a family, I don't know what is.” 

“Then I am glad that you will be reunited with them all soon.” He dips his head to press a kiss to the top of my head. “They will rejoice to know that a long-lost member is returning yet again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who is reading this. I hope you enjoyed this latest installment. I've been thinking a lot about the dragon warriors and how hard it would be for them all to find "happy" endings in a normal sense to the rest of the world. This show is so deceptively happy at times it makes me forget the tragic price everyone will have to pay for using these heaven-sent powers. 
> 
> This contemplation stemmed another side story set in the same universe, but it pertains to Jae-Ha. If any of you are interested in reading it, I am more than willing to post it. Please PM me or leave a comment if that is the case! I'm glad to share my work if there's interest enough for it.


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